Saturday, August 06, 2005
It's now 2 am in the morning...Yupz..2 am..once again, I'm not sleeping...not that sleep's eluding me...in fact i feel terribly tired...and I gotta go volunteer again tmr...There are hundreds and thousands of reasons why I should sleep at this time of the night...BUt i suddenly felt the urge to do some self-reflection...some soul-searching...
Something happened today which forced me to face the fact that grades still play an important part in my self-evaluation...even when I've tried long and hard ever since JC to downplay & hopefully to eventually eliminate this influence...
Found out that my friends generally scored quite well for this psych mod tt I took last sem...ranging from B+ to A-...and what did I get??!!! A bloody C...The worst was I had actually felt HAPPY...or more accurately, relieved to get a C...It's downright embarrassing...Had actually expected a F as usual...(I know how people always look at me in that 'Are you kidding? You wun ever get a F for anything. All you would get are As' look...No matter how many times I show evidence of failures in my tests and exams, no one truly believes me...i guess it's the curse of having good results in the past--which means in pri school & lower sec...BUT tt's in the past, u noe...everyone, PLEASE look at the present me & not at some past image /impression of me!!!!...been plunging downwards ever since sec 3...I juz can't seem to do well in an exam-condition...i get all nervy & anxious & scared & stressed out...It's downright frustrating because why the heck would I lie about my results? I mean if I do well, or am good at something...I'll say so u noe...lyk elit & el...well, at least b4 I started taking elit and el mods in uni...in uni...I truly felt for the first time my limits...it's scary...in the past I've always had elit & el to depend on...now, i'm left with nothing...)
What disturbed me most wasn't the fact tt this group of friends had been griping about how ill-prepared they were before the exam when they had most likely crammed for the paper like crazy...nor the fact that they were talking about how badly they have answered the paper when they probably had an answer to most of the questions...nor the fact that they had whined about how bad their results were...
even though I'm usually irritated by such stuff...because for me...when i say "ill-prepared"...I mean I only studied like 3-4 chapters out of like 10+ chap OR even the fact tt I literally din study (tho tt's only in JC & yr 1)....I may have crammed for an exam BUT it would still mean 3-4 chaps too coz my studying pace is SUPER slow...I can study for 1 whole chap for 2 whole wks & I wld still be wondering what the hell this chap is all about...when i say "the paper was horrendous"...I mean i dunno the ans to 3/4 of the paper...and most likely I would haf left a max of half the paper empty (tho it happened more in jc...nowadays, I try my beri best to crap as much as i can..tho i still leave a few ques blank...)...& when i sae tt my results r BAD...they're truly bad....in JC, It's a FAIL....in uni, it's a C...
usually resolve this irritation by becoming MIA during exam periods...except for studying out wif a couple of frenz & perhaps asking about the exam format & stuff...i cut all contact with everyone...i dun hang ard frenz b4 exams & i scamper off after exams...i dun ask bout results...becoz i dun wan to endanger any of my preciously few friendships with such trivial exam-related stuff...esp when i'm prob the only person who's so sensitive towards such trivialites...i mean such stuff r the norm among s'porean students rite? i shld b used to it after 17 yrs of studyin...BUT sadly, i'm not...
though i often wonder...if ppl can b so contradictory in what they say in a relationship as intimate as friendship...how r we supposed to differentiate btwn whatz true and not when we talk to strangers? itz kinda sad how this culture of 'self-deprecation' practised by students iz so prevalent...iz it our asian culture of humility tt enourages this? we shld be humble & refrain fr showing off our talents & skills so each of us tries to outdo each other in portraying ourselves as the ultimate loser?
To get back to the issue at hand....NO!!! The thing that really upset me was how deeply affected I am by the revelation that once again I'm at the bottom academically despite all my efforts to keep my self-confidence (not that I have much in the first place) intact, away from the poisonous grip of exam grades...Since JC, my whole personality & attitude underwent a huge change...I deliberately cultivated myself into a slacker, a student with an attitude problem, a heck-care person....prob because i was sick & tired of being judged according to how well i do for exams OR others' expectations/impressions of my grades...i want people to see & understand the real ME...or more accurately, I want to see who I truly am without all the grades & nerdiness... it was exhilarating at tt time & I realli felt tt for once in my life, i'm me...(altho my elit & gp results were a concern to me coz they r things tt i'm passionate about & itz a muz tt i do well for them -- it's a motto)
BUT now...i'm being dragged back into the rat race...not only do I start feeling all depressed & stressed & a total loser when i look at my results...at being left behind in the dust as everyone races forward...results haf once again become a central part of my life & a means by which i evaluate myself...it's horrible...i'm startin to doubt myself once again...based on results...am i really cut out to major in psychology??!!! it's been bugging at me ever since i got all the Cs for my psych mods...my life, my ups and downs are governed once again by results...
Perhaps this explains my impulsiveness at going to ntu for exchange...i'm trying to escape from the stressful environment at nus...i feel stifled...suffocated there...i was losing myself there...i need to find back the real me...
itz now 4am...i took 2 bloody hrs to write this piece of incoherent crap....i duno wat came over mi...i muz hafta been nuts...i'm zonked out...i shld slp...& forget bout this whole shit...
Blogado por moi às 1:56 AM ||
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: 10:27 PM