I've been wanting to change for so long
My cowardice's getting to me
I'm such a scaredy cat
You'd think such a loser as I
Would have been dead a long time ago
BUT no..i'm still very much alive

How much alive?
Look at me and u'd noe
I'm more of a walking dead
Better off dead than alive

I talk BIG
I talk about wanting liberation and freedom
BUT do I have the nerve to play the game
When the time comes?

No one knows
What I do know is I dun have the balls
To play that is
Something is always pulling me back
I duno if there really is sth
Something like obligations and commitment
Or is it just an excuse to escape?
I look at myself in the mirror everyday
And all I see is a shell

I listen to what I say to others
And all I hear is hypocrisy
I try to remember all my actions
And all I can feel is my silliness
Who am I really?
Even I myself duno
I'm so lost and confused
There are so many 'mes'

I no longer noe
Which is the REAL me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm so selfish
I only think about 'me'
What about the others around me?
Dun they count?
I look in my heart and all I find is darkness
I look in my mind and I find emptiness
I look at myself and I find
A shitload of crap
My past is full of might-have-beens
My present is full of what the hell am i doing?
My future is dark in front of me
Seriously, I think my presence on earth
Is a BIG mistake
I fuck up everything and
I'm so GOOD at making ppl ard mi miserable
They'll prob find life easier
If I'm dead
I crave for death so much
You would think I'd commit suicide
BUT dun forget I'm a loser
I'm simply too damn scared to do it
In conclusion
I SUX...totally
____________

tHe DrEaMmEr____.
a hardcore bitch
a loser
a slacker
a dreamer
a failure
a contradictory person
a confused gal
a nobody who wanna b a somebody & a nobody at the same time
a fuck-up

WiSh LisT____.
everyone I care about (my family, cw, my friends)
to be healthy, safe & happy always
everyone I care about to outlive me
to die a horrible death

to fulfill my dreams:
a career as a police/forensic psychologist
a home(cottage/ranch) in UK/US
learn horse riding
learn how to shoot all kinda guns
learn lotsa foreign lang
learn skiing
go bungee jumping
learn hypnosis

LOveS____.
My family. cw
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Jay Chou. Luo Zhixiang.
Shakrukh Khan. Barry Manilow.
Dark Funeral.
Figo. Raul. Zidane. Deco. Van de sar.
K Bryant. M Jordan. A Iverson
Real Madrid. Man U.
Bleach. Fruits Baskets. Full Metal Alchemist.
Get Backers. Slam Dunk.
E Lit. Psych. Art.
Chocolates. Purple. Horses. Dogs.
Reading. Writing. Sketching. Music.
Night. Rain. Silence. Winter.
SimPliCitY.

MOvieS wAtcHed with dd____.
The Simpsons Movie. Knocked Up.
The Bourne Ultimatum.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Broken English. Secret. Stardust. Next.
The Nanny Diaries. I am Legend.
Sex is Zero. The Shutter.
Just my luck. Step up.

tHe fElLow DrEaMeRs____.
wl
wl
cousin hy
zt
ph
yy
ll
yt
hx
xf
jl
Dorothy
Janice
kellY
William
Clement
Clement
Joy
Melissa

Darren

Xiaozhu
Fahrenheit-Wu Chun

NJCO Alumni
nvac
Achievers Blog
Achievers Forum
NUS Psych Society
A
B
F
K
C
Val's Find My Top
Bags for sale
psychopathic

LiNkS____.
Nohari window
Results of Nohari Window

fRagmenTs Of LiFe____.
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
May 2013

Saturday, September 03, 2005

had a psych lect on mind-body medicine last fri (not yesterdae)...and the guest lecturer touched on spirituality...haven tot much bout spirituality before....prob coz it seems related to religion...AND i'm kinda sensitive on the topic of religion...i hate ppl preaching to me....can't stand it...always been an atheist or a free-thinker....not the ppl who believe that God created the universe and then abandoned it...BUT the kind of free-thinker who think tt all religions r universal in nature...the open-minded one...i like to think that i'm the one who's controlling my own life....i make my own choices and create my own life and blahz....OR if u like the "religion of oneself/self-control"....there's no higher power or some force that determines the direction of my life...like fate or destiny or chance..

BUT sometimes i get kinda confused....if there's no such thing as fate or destiny....why do we meet certain ppl and not others?? why do we experience certain encounters or obstacles and others dun??? why do we choose this path of life and not others??? R we really the one making the decisions or r our lives oredi decided b4hand and we r merely following it??!!! perhaps there realli is an outside force that shapes our lives and i'm merely denying its existence coz i lack self-confidence...and juz wanna a sense of control...the feeling tt i'm all-powerful when it comes to my own life....

used to and still think tt ppl who haf religions r ppl who suffer fr a sense of insecurity (tho doesn't mean tt ppl who dun haf religion dun feel insecure...i fer one am always insecure)...they need sth to fall back on...some higher being fr whom they ken take courage, encouragement, advice from...itz sth tt ppl made up so as to haf a spiritual anchor... and to explain things tt cannot be explained scientifically...

after the lect...think tt religion is a concrete form of spirituality...everyone wants to achieve spirituality BUT for some, itz too abstract...so they create sth to represent it, some images or symbols to make it concrete...and tt's how religion came to be....

to say tt i'm completely free of the influence of religion is utter rubbish...coz i do pray...everyday b4 i step out of the hse...to a buddha statue or to whichever higher being iz up there...fer my family...praying for their gd health & safety...i know i'm contradicting myself since i sae i'm an atheist/free-thinker...BUT i can't get rid of the uneasiness i get whenever i think bout how my family wld b at a disadvantge or sth if there realli is some higher being out dere & i refuse to pray....itz either me or the asian/chinese culture in which supernatural forces iz still very much entrenched in society...whichever way...i feel it can't be harmful or disadvantageous in any way to pray...tho i do worry if it wld be helpful and tt it may be seen as insincere since i dun believe in the existence of a higher being...

BUT the lect did reinforce the idea tt praying can do no harm...and it may even be helpful as some research haf evidence tt patients who haf been prayed fer feel a greater sense of well-being...

in the tutorial...the lecturer asked bout our opinions on retrospective prayers...there was an expt in which the experimenter got the files of patients of a particular hospital 10 yrs ago....divided them into 2 piles...prayed fer 1 and not for the other...then checked the files fer records of the patients' well-being...the pile tt got prayed fer had more patients who haf recovered and experienced a greater sense of well-being...at tt time...the whole class was lyk "huh? wat rubbish??!!" ....me included....BUT after class...was tinkin bout it on the mrt..and realised tt i do practise a version of such retrospective prayers too...lyk the dae b4 the release of exam results, i'll start praying tt my results r ok...the exams r long over & done wif YET i still pray...believing tt praying wld change the outcome...SO contrary to wat i said in tut, i do believe or at least i'd lyk to believe tt retrospective prayers do work...

also...who knows...there may be different time folds and tho we r in this moment....ppl we tot r dead at this moment may be very much alive and leading their lives during their times....juz tt we all exist in different time folds...if so then such things as distance praying & retrospective prayers wld b effective....SO...whatever my beliefs...i shall always keep myself open-minded....becoz nothing iz impossible in this world...OR as nike likes to say..."impossible is nothing"......

oh yar...we did meditation too near the end of the lect...and it was amazing....the whole lect room was absolutely silent...bout 20-30+ ppl...and i was in such a deep state of single focus tt i completely forgot my fren (steng) was sitting right beside me...till at one moment she breathed abit deeply and i heard her tt i realised how totally immersed i was...a completely cool and refreshing experience...and i found out tt our lecturer iz an accomplished meditator...wow ...awesome....and he's an expert on hypnosis too....cool huh??!!! and he's the cute lecturer...yupz....haha....feel lyk learning meditation fr him...wahaha...ulterior motive...lol

Blogado por moi às 11:45 PM ||

______________________________

whAt mY BiRtHDaTe meAnS____.

Your Birthdate: March 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December