I've been wanting to change for so long
My cowardice's getting to me
I'm such a scaredy cat
You'd think such a loser as I
Would have been dead a long time ago
BUT no..i'm still very much alive

How much alive?
Look at me and u'd noe
I'm more of a walking dead
Better off dead than alive

I talk BIG
I talk about wanting liberation and freedom
BUT do I have the nerve to play the game
When the time comes?

No one knows
What I do know is I dun have the balls
To play that is
Something is always pulling me back
I duno if there really is sth
Something like obligations and commitment
Or is it just an excuse to escape?
I look at myself in the mirror everyday
And all I see is a shell

I listen to what I say to others
And all I hear is hypocrisy
I try to remember all my actions
And all I can feel is my silliness
Who am I really?
Even I myself duno
I'm so lost and confused
There are so many 'mes'

I no longer noe
Which is the REAL me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm so selfish
I only think about 'me'
What about the others around me?
Dun they count?
I look in my heart and all I find is darkness
I look in my mind and I find emptiness
I look at myself and I find
A shitload of crap
My past is full of might-have-beens
My present is full of what the hell am i doing?
My future is dark in front of me
Seriously, I think my presence on earth
Is a BIG mistake
I fuck up everything and
I'm so GOOD at making ppl ard mi miserable
They'll prob find life easier
If I'm dead
I crave for death so much
You would think I'd commit suicide
BUT dun forget I'm a loser
I'm simply too damn scared to do it
In conclusion
I SUX...totally
____________

tHe DrEaMmEr____.
a hardcore bitch
a loser
a slacker
a dreamer
a failure
a contradictory person
a confused gal
a nobody who wanna b a somebody & a nobody at the same time
a fuck-up

WiSh LisT____.
everyone I care about (my family, cw, my friends)
to be healthy, safe & happy always
everyone I care about to outlive me
to die a horrible death

to fulfill my dreams:
a career as a police/forensic psychologist
a home(cottage/ranch) in UK/US
learn horse riding
learn how to shoot all kinda guns
learn lotsa foreign lang
learn skiing
go bungee jumping
learn hypnosis

LOveS____.
My family. cw
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Jay Chou. Luo Zhixiang.
Shakrukh Khan. Barry Manilow.
Dark Funeral.
Figo. Raul. Zidane. Deco. Van de sar.
K Bryant. M Jordan. A Iverson
Real Madrid. Man U.
Bleach. Fruits Baskets. Full Metal Alchemist.
Get Backers. Slam Dunk.
E Lit. Psych. Art.
Chocolates. Purple. Horses. Dogs.
Reading. Writing. Sketching. Music.
Night. Rain. Silence. Winter.
SimPliCitY.

MOvieS wAtcHed with dd____.
The Simpsons Movie. Knocked Up.
The Bourne Ultimatum.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Broken English. Secret. Stardust. Next.
The Nanny Diaries. I am Legend.
Sex is Zero. The Shutter.
Just my luck. Step up.

tHe fElLow DrEaMeRs____.
wl
wl
cousin hy
zt
ph
yy
ll
yt
hx
xf
jl
Dorothy
Janice
kellY
William
Clement
Clement
Joy
Melissa

Darren

Xiaozhu
Fahrenheit-Wu Chun

NJCO Alumni
nvac
Achievers Blog
Achievers Forum
NUS Psych Society
A
B
F
K
C
Val's Find My Top
Bags for sale
psychopathic

LiNkS____.
Nohari window
Results of Nohari Window

fRagmenTs Of LiFe____.
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
May 2013

Monday, October 03, 2005

arrrgghhz...wasn't able to concentrate...what the hell's happening to me??!!! been slacking...deliberately and subconsciously...anyway...since I can't study..might as well crap on ...wahaha

hmm..what to crap bout??

in relation to the lecture on child sex tourism, we had a tutorial on prostitution in general and the possible psychological impact on the prostitutes...so everyone just started throwing ideas and opinions around..someone talked bout how prostitutes usually tend to dissociate themselves while in the act...sex to them become a purely mechanical act...they juz did it for the sake of doing it...there's also talk about how they feel dirty, tainted and thus unable to carry on a stable relationship with a noral guy...their guilt...the feeling that they have sinned...their low self-esteem...their feelings of self-destruction and hopelessness and helplessness...

then our prof raised the question of why is it that we find (forced) prostitution especially revolting...so there was the usual thing about humiliation, dehumanisation, loss of dignity, they being merely a "slab of meat"...and then I have to act smart and say that it's especially degrading since sex has always been regarded by females as an act of giving themselves to the lover/partner...it's an intimate act, an expression of love, a kind of bonding, perhaps even something physical/concrete to enhance the spiritual and emotional bonding...thus the term "making love"...and the added fact that the prostitutes have sex with multiple men..they give away so much of themselves that what is left is an empty shell...thus explaining the dissociation from reality, the distancing in an attempt to keep a small part of themselves intact... well of course as the usual treatment of a smart aleck, I got stumped by the prof's next question: Why do females see sex as giving a part of themselves?...and I was like huh?? what the hell??? stunned beyond words...all i could do was scratch my head and shout for HELP...seriously..till now, I still haven figured out the answer...

perhaps it's because of culture...all the movies and novels portray sex as more than just a satisfaction of carnal desire but an expression of love..."making love"..so much so that a fundamental and I guess animalistic act such as sex is romanticised and sentimentalised as something much more than it really is...it has become a symbol of love...so much so that there has developed different stages of sex:

rape (forced) --- sex/intercourse/fucking (mutual carnal satisfaction, the one night stands, the 'bam slam bye bye' act) ---- making love (intimacy)

though I've always wondered..apart from the tainted feeling (both physically and especially emotionally), the invasion of not only privacy but something of the nature of a personal sanctuary...could guilt and horror and disbelief at having actually enjoyed...(ok too extreme...how can a person enjoy it when she's like scared to death and angry that she had been violated)...well perhaps felt a little excitement in the act that made rape such a traumatising experience???

on another note...how do guys view sex? do they see it as an act of giving of themselves to their loved ones too?? or is it such an all-engrossing act that they immersed themselves in the action and put aside all thoughts???

for the prostitutes..was thinking too...if they have sex with a certain client fer a number of times, can they really feel distanced??? or do they actually form a bond with them??? and even harbour an emotional attachment??

prof also mentioned something bout it being more expensive to get a prostitute to kiss the client than sex...why??? coz a kiss involves more intimacy?? more of a sharing of emotions??? read bout this too in "Memoirs of a geisha"...still in the middle of reading the novel...itz an ok book..quite an eye-opener for me into the life of a geisha...

so yupz all these values we attach to our actions...why do we do it in the 1st place?? why the need ?? well..since i gotta rush to school now...shall ponder on this next time...=)

Blogado por moi às 5:59 AM ||

______________________________

whAt mY BiRtHDaTe meAnS____.

Your Birthdate: March 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December