I've been wanting to change for so long
My cowardice's getting to me
I'm such a scaredy cat
You'd think such a loser as I
Would have been dead a long time ago
BUT no..i'm still very much alive

How much alive?
Look at me and u'd noe
I'm more of a walking dead
Better off dead than alive

I talk BIG
I talk about wanting liberation and freedom
BUT do I have the nerve to play the game
When the time comes?

No one knows
What I do know is I dun have the balls
To play that is
Something is always pulling me back
I duno if there really is sth
Something like obligations and commitment
Or is it just an excuse to escape?
I look at myself in the mirror everyday
And all I see is a shell

I listen to what I say to others
And all I hear is hypocrisy
I try to remember all my actions
And all I can feel is my silliness
Who am I really?
Even I myself duno
I'm so lost and confused
There are so many 'mes'

I no longer noe
Which is the REAL me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm so selfish
I only think about 'me'
What about the others around me?
Dun they count?
I look in my heart and all I find is darkness
I look in my mind and I find emptiness
I look at myself and I find
A shitload of crap
My past is full of might-have-beens
My present is full of what the hell am i doing?
My future is dark in front of me
Seriously, I think my presence on earth
Is a BIG mistake
I fuck up everything and
I'm so GOOD at making ppl ard mi miserable
They'll prob find life easier
If I'm dead
I crave for death so much
You would think I'd commit suicide
BUT dun forget I'm a loser
I'm simply too damn scared to do it
In conclusion
I SUX...totally
____________

tHe DrEaMmEr____.
a hardcore bitch
a loser
a slacker
a dreamer
a failure
a contradictory person
a confused gal
a nobody who wanna b a somebody & a nobody at the same time
a fuck-up

WiSh LisT____.
everyone I care about (my family, cw, my friends)
to be healthy, safe & happy always
everyone I care about to outlive me
to die a horrible death

to fulfill my dreams:
a career as a police/forensic psychologist
a home(cottage/ranch) in UK/US
learn horse riding
learn how to shoot all kinda guns
learn lotsa foreign lang
learn skiing
go bungee jumping
learn hypnosis

LOveS____.
My family. cw
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Jay Chou. Luo Zhixiang.
Shakrukh Khan. Barry Manilow.
Dark Funeral.
Figo. Raul. Zidane. Deco. Van de sar.
K Bryant. M Jordan. A Iverson
Real Madrid. Man U.
Bleach. Fruits Baskets. Full Metal Alchemist.
Get Backers. Slam Dunk.
E Lit. Psych. Art.
Chocolates. Purple. Horses. Dogs.
Reading. Writing. Sketching. Music.
Night. Rain. Silence. Winter.
SimPliCitY.

MOvieS wAtcHed with dd____.
The Simpsons Movie. Knocked Up.
The Bourne Ultimatum.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Broken English. Secret. Stardust. Next.
The Nanny Diaries. I am Legend.
Sex is Zero. The Shutter.
Just my luck. Step up.

tHe fElLow DrEaMeRs____.
wl
wl
cousin hy
zt
ph
yy
ll
yt
hx
xf
jl
Dorothy
Janice
kellY
William
Clement
Clement
Joy
Melissa

Darren

Xiaozhu
Fahrenheit-Wu Chun

NJCO Alumni
nvac
Achievers Blog
Achievers Forum
NUS Psych Society
A
B
F
K
C
Val's Find My Top
Bags for sale
psychopathic

LiNkS____.
Nohari window
Results of Nohari Window

fRagmenTs Of LiFe____.
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
May 2013

Saturday, October 08, 2005

It's miraculous how a person can, after years of looking and searching and 'mining' and foraging, finally begin to see a glimpse of him/herself after the enlightenment of someone else. It's even more startling that the very person was a mere acquaintance up till then. I don't mean that my friends and buddies don't understand me or don't know who I am. They can probably see and understand more of myself than I myself do. BUT the fact that a mere acquaintance with whom you have never shared any of your thoughts and experiences until then can go right to the core of your being and lay out in the open a substantial amount of your fears and inner conflicts, that you have been keeping close to your heart for fear of others seeing you as a weakling, is amazing. It's also scary as hell.

People are never comfortable with others knowing their true nature BUT it is more than uncomfortable for me. It's downright terrifying. I'm a very personal person. I'm insecure and feel vulnerable all the time. People may see me as an attitude gal, even I like to see myself as an attitude person. BUT it's all a farce. It's merely a mask to the public to hide my true cowardly nature. I don't want people to see my cowering inner self because I'm afraid of losing friends, of being seen as a wimp, of everything. I crave for attention. So the attitude.

To my friends and buddies out there, if you notice, I find it hard to self-disclose. Everytime we have heart-to-heart talks, I'm usually the last to voice my own feelings and experiences. It's not that I don't talk about myself. I'm a self-centred person. It's always me, me, me. I crave attention. I scream out all the pathetic stuff I call my "achievements", in the hope that all of you will praise me or go wow... ... It's just that I like to portray myself as a person who is not bothered by things around me. Seriously, It's because I'm too darn scared. I usually listen to you all and don't talk. I'm seriously sorry for lying to you all. The WY all of you know is nothing but a BIG LIE..a farce...I'll understand if you all don't want to be my friends anymore. I would too if I found out that the person I have been confiding to has all the while been lying.

I used to think I have my own opinions on things, my own views, my stand. NOW I'm once again confused. Are those my true opinions or just something I use as a means to gain social desirability and hence, friends?? I'm such an ordinary and uninteresting person that I have to find something to define myself, to make myself distinct from all the other people in the world, even to put me at the top of the world, so much so that I resort to such underhanded means. I'm despicable. I know.

NOW by writing this piece of crap, am I too trying to portray myself as a confused, down in the dumps person to get people to care about me, to pay attention to me??? Am I such a manipulative person? Yes, I am. So people, after reading this shit, ignore me and get on with your own life and stop wasting your time on this worthless piece of shit, me.

During lecture yesterday, the professor talked about people with personality disorders. We watched a video on a gal who self-mutilates and I find myself having so much in common with her. We both conform. To the social rules outside in the social setting. We laugh and smile and crack jokes and interact with people BUT the moment we reach home and look at ourselves in the mirror, we doubt ourselves. We see a hypocrite, a person with a mask. We are confused about who we really are. We are never in control of our own feelings and emotions. The gal in the video says she would scream and scream and if that doesn't help, she cries, till she's tired at first and then lay down just breathing. Then even the crying doesn't help. The tears just disappear. BUT by slashing her own wrists and later upper arms and inner thighs, by self-mutilation, she finds calm when she sees the vibrant red colour staining the towel. Me, sadly I don't self-mutilate. I'm too cowardly to hold a knife to my wrist. I resolve stuff through violence and maliciousness. I hurt people around me, physically but mostly emotionally and mentally. I hurl vulgarities. I make hurting remarks. I deny their entire existence (when the only existence I truly wanna eliminate is my very own). I self-deprecate. I get a perverse kick when I do these. I become calm.

BUT then again, am I really self-deprecating??? NO..I'm not coz I really AM that worthless and useless and a ultimate loser. In self-deprecation, I see the truth of myself. The real me. So why have I been searching for the real me all this while? A long time ago, I have already come to the end of the search. I've found BUT not accepted myself. NOW is the time to face the true self and say YES!!! This is me.

Blogado por moi às 1:04 PM ||

______________________________

whAt mY BiRtHDaTe meAnS____.

Your Birthdate: March 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December