Saturday, October 08, 2005
I finally think I've figured out my views on love.
I'm a traditional person and a romantic and an idealist when it comes to love. I know I always say that I don't believe in marriage. Yesh I don't BUT that's because I think it's crap, a mere institutionalisation of love, a chain to confine and bound the lovers to responsibility. If people truly love each other, they will naturally feel responsible for the other party. Why do they still need marriage to affirm that vow? Are they then afraid that they will not be able to stick to that holy vow of love? Then doesn't it mean that they don't really love each other as deeply as they would like to think? Marriage is merely a formality, a social recognition that u and your partner are now officially a family unit. It's a fulfillment of social propriety. Marriage makes love something that includes more than the two lovers. It involves everyone else. Why? Because we still live in a confucian society in which we feel we owe everyone a living. The government keeps harping on how we don't owe anyone a living. BUT we do, we owe our parents and family for who we are today, we owe it to society for our ability to live in such a peaceful nation. We are born with debts and burdens and we are expected to spend our entire life fulfilling them. And what makes it worse is that we are indoctrinated from young about the guilt that will accompany the failure to fulfill such bonds.
Back to love, in actual fact, I truly believe in love. I even believe in love at first sight, yesh that kind of crap. And that there in this world really exists the one, the one true soulmate with whom we can really spend our whole life loving and not forgetting and whom we will forgive and accept anything and everything about them. There may be lots of soulmates in a person's life BUT there will be only one who will occupy that very special place in your heart, the person who possess the key to that door leading to the deepest recesses of your heart.
I think of love as this mind-numbing, reckless passion that people will lose themselves in. YESh, i know that's cliche and stuff, and if a person really thinks that, it's even dangerous. For me, the perfect love will be a simultaneous process of losing and finding of yourself. YOur lover is your friend, your confidante, your anchor, your harbour and at the same time a person you should protect at all costs. Love of course goes hand in hand with sex. Without satisfying sex, your love is not really love. I don't believe in the purely spiritual love. No, I'm not that noble or above carnal desires.
You would think with my views on love, I would love to meet the one person with whom I would like to spend my life with. BUT no. I don't wish to. It would mean putting the person through hell and more. For that's what it would mean if he spends his life with me. I don't intend to marry. My friends usually say that people who say that they don't want to marry are usually the ones to marry first. Perhaps it's true but I hope it doesn't happen to me. Because if I truly love the other party, I wouldn't be able to stand the disappointment he will face when he sees the REAL me. I won't want to inflict hurt on him for hurt he would be, what with my contradictory nature, wanting and yet rejecting at the same time, it would drive him nuts. And I can't possibly give any of myself because I have nothing to give in the first place. That would mean one-sided giving and receiving, which would make any kind of relationship a misery.
For me, to get into a relationship, is to give total commitment..100% ...it's all or nothing. Such a person as me would be afraid of hurt. People habituate and get tired of new stuff. I'm such an ordinary, dull, uninteresting person, people will get tired of me and start leaving me. So before that happens, I do the leaving, the escaping, the avoiding first.
So, if I really love a person, I would be silent and wish him all the best, that he would find a person who will be able to give him the xing4 fu2 he wants. Love requires alot of courage that I know I will never be able to muster. I am prepared and perfectly contented to live and die alone...
BUT of coz it doesn't mean I would die a virgin. I would never ever allow myself to do that if i can help it. What does this mean? Figure out yourself...lol
Blogado por moi às 2:31 PM ||
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