Monday, October 03, 2005
yet another sleepless night...slept fer only 1.5 hrs on Sat BUT was high the whole of Sat for some unknown reason...and experienced the typical downs/depression last night...spent the whole night listening to Barry Manilow songs repeatedly to get myself out of the dumps...If not for him, I duno what I would have done...
As usual, when I'm in a pensive mood, I start to evaluate my life...This time I went through all the transitions I have gone through, trying to make some sense out of the crap that is my life...
It's interesting how adults love to ask kids what they want to do when they grow up...and of course the answers given are often funny, and sometimes ridiculous...i once heard a kid sae he wanna b an astronaut...wahaha an astronaut in s'pore...how farni is tt?? but wow ...way to go man..if we haf a s'porean NASA astronaut..lol...another kid wanna b LKY...seriously...i luffed out loud...cldn't stop laughing in fact...BUt it would make a fun project to see how many kids actually grow up to be what they wanted to be when they were young...
What did I want to be when I was young??? I know I am usually sotong and can't remember much nowadays, sometimes not even stuff that I had done a few minutes before...BUT I do remember all the different careers or dreams I had when I was young...Strange huh??!!! haha...My very first career was guess what?? A policewoman...haha duno why???!! They musta haf looked pretty cool to me when I was young...lol...Then I wanted to be a pilot...BUT then I had to wear spectacles and without perfect eyesight, I abandoned this dream...
Next I wanna become an artist...I loved to draw when I was young...All the drawing lessons I attended from kindergarten to sec sch and competitions were the joy of my life...Everytime I finished a piece of art (well, at least in my eyes, they were art, though they were probably junk in others' opinions), I felt refreshed and art somehow made me view the world from a different perspective...Up till Sec 2, I could spend days on my art assignments...doing research...(yesh u heard or rather u saw correctly...I did research...haha...on art...farni huh??!!)..then the planning, the thinking, the actual execution, the evaluation...I could do a piece of work again and again till it's perfect...My mum usually went crazy during the weekends coz my whole room and sometimes, even the living room would be crowded with art books, drawing instruments and crushed papers...then sec 3 when I could have the choice of choosing an arts or a science stream...and I realised...no not realised, probably a case of acknowledgement or acceptance, that I just dun have the talent...I'm just not cut out to be an artist...(prob known this subconsciously since sec 1 BUt had never dared to admit it coz it would have meant the end)..well after that still drew on and off but not in the recent yrs...coz of all the busy schedules...though did attempt to draw some stuff last year...and came up with a good imitation of trash...tried to find my previous art pieces some time back and found that my mum had as usual threw away my stuff without asking me first...was totally upset with her and din talk to her for a super long time...so yupz another dream crushed...
then i wanted to be a surgeon in the emergency room...was thoroughly inspired by E.R. then, I guess...lol...took bio in sec 3 and found to my aghast by the end of tt year that I probably had to give it up...coz I failed bio consistently after the very 1st test...then the decision to be a psychologist...with a plan to study lit for as long as I can, hopefully of coz in uni...I guess ppl would say that I've attained one of my dreams now...what being a psych major with a minor in eng studies now in uni...BUT i noe deep in my heart...that a psychologist I would most likely never be..at least not the kind that can practise...coz of my grades...I'm just plain stoopid I guess, I never can do well in things I am passionate about...the best I can hope is that I would be able to work in a job that is related to psych...somehow...well at least I'm gonna strive for a place in the psychology unit in the police force and hope that it's a niche for me...
oh yesh..I've always wanted to be a novelist since pri sch...I love writing stories...I find it exhilarating trying to find inspiration for a plot, the process of forming ideas...the writing process...the polishing to make the story reflect me, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my everything...even though I know I dun haf the talent to be a novelist...I still harbour hope that I would be able to find a niche in which writing and of course painting, will become a part of my life and eventually a part of me...yupz..the day I get my ranch in US/UK...will be the day of 'resurrection' for me...meanwhile I'll just be content with blogging as a form of catharsis...
secondary to being a novelist...was of course the hope that I may one day become a journalist and perhaps get the chance to cover an expose on war...yesh...a war journalist...haha...seems like I'm born in the wrong era, duncha think? I should have been alive back in WWI or WWII or at least the Vietnam War...duh...
secretly though...I've always been fascinated with the lives of a Secret Service agent, an NSA agent, a FBI agent (the negotiators, the criminologists, the serial killer profilers), the SEALS, DELTA force, the SAS and especially a CIA agent...ever since I've heard of these special units/organisations...I've perversely imagined and hoped that someday I'll be able to be one of them...well haha this goes to show how much of an imagination I have huh? and of course how detached and dissociated I am from reality...seriously I think I should wake up and step out of my lala land into the REAL world...
other careers: figure skater, lawyer, actress (or at least involved in some form of stage production)... ...
juz noticed sth...why are all the careers i once thought about and what most others thought about all supposedly glamorous ones??? everyone wanna b SOMEbody...a HERO...including me...well who in their right mind wun want?? BUT how do heroes become heroes in the 1st place? they beome labelled as heroes because of all the ordinary ppl around them...so all the NObodys out there...dun b discouraged or sad!!!! u're not exactly nobodys...u're the ones who gave the heroes a name...without u, where would they be??? i once heard a father telling his daughter not to work in a spa...like the service workers who provide nail-painting, spa services...and I was like what so indecent about such a job??? it require lotsa patience and skills u noe...and who are the ones who created such jobs?? us..everyone of us...if there's no demand, would there b supply??? just like prostitutes, if a gal is happy being a prostitute, what's so bad about it? it's a job...the degrading value is attached by society, a label not the true nature of the job...
actualli, the career i respected the most is that of a teacher...i think all the people who truly aspire to be a GOOD teacher, with a mind to dedicate themselves to the teaching profession and to revamp the education system in s'pore are the most noble of all....
duh..another crappy blog on a crappy night...or rather morning....lol..shall attempt to read a few pathetic paragraphs of my text before I go to sch...
Blogado por moi às 4:40 AM ||
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