I've been wanting to change for so long
My cowardice's getting to me
I'm such a scaredy cat
You'd think such a loser as I
Would have been dead a long time ago
BUT no..i'm still very much alive

How much alive?
Look at me and u'd noe
I'm more of a walking dead
Better off dead than alive

I talk BIG
I talk about wanting liberation and freedom
BUT do I have the nerve to play the game
When the time comes?

No one knows
What I do know is I dun have the balls
To play that is
Something is always pulling me back
I duno if there really is sth
Something like obligations and commitment
Or is it just an excuse to escape?
I look at myself in the mirror everyday
And all I see is a shell

I listen to what I say to others
And all I hear is hypocrisy
I try to remember all my actions
And all I can feel is my silliness
Who am I really?
Even I myself duno
I'm so lost and confused
There are so many 'mes'

I no longer noe
Which is the REAL me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm so selfish
I only think about 'me'
What about the others around me?
Dun they count?
I look in my heart and all I find is darkness
I look in my mind and I find emptiness
I look at myself and I find
A shitload of crap
My past is full of might-have-beens
My present is full of what the hell am i doing?
My future is dark in front of me
Seriously, I think my presence on earth
Is a BIG mistake
I fuck up everything and
I'm so GOOD at making ppl ard mi miserable
They'll prob find life easier
If I'm dead
I crave for death so much
You would think I'd commit suicide
BUT dun forget I'm a loser
I'm simply too damn scared to do it
In conclusion
I SUX...totally
____________


tHe DrEaMmEr____.
 a hardcore bitch
a loser
a slacker
a dreamer
a failure
a contradictory person
a confused gal
a nobody who wanna b a somebody & a nobody at the same time
a fuck-up


WiSh LisT____.
 everyone I care about (my family, cw, my friends)
to be healthy, safe & happy always
everyone I care about to outlive me
to die a horrible death

to fulfill my dreams:
a career as a police/forensic psychologist
a home(cottage/ranch) in UK/US
learn horse riding
learn how to shoot all kinda guns
learn lotsa foreign lang
learn skiing
go bungee jumping
learn hypnosis


LOveS____.
 My family. cw
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Jay Chou. Luo Zhixiang.
Shakrukh Khan. Barry Manilow.
Dark Funeral.
Figo. Raul. Zidane. Deco. Van de sar.
K Bryant. M Jordan. A Iverson
Real Madrid. Man U.
Bleach. Fruits Baskets. Full Metal Alchemist.
Get Backers. Slam Dunk.
E Lit. Psych. Art.
Chocolates. Purple. Horses. Dogs.
Reading. Writing. Sketching. Music.
Night. Rain. Silence. Winter.
SimPliCitY.


MOvieS wAtcHed with dd____.
 The Simpsons Movie. Knocked Up.
The Bourne Ultimatum.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Broken English. Secret. Stardust. Next.
The Nanny Diaries. I am Legend.
Sex is Zero. The Shutter.
Just my luck. Step up.


tHe fElLow DrEaMeRs____.
 wl
wl
cousin hy
zt
ph
yy
ll
yt
hx
xf
jl
Dorothy
Janice
kellY
William
Clement
Clement
Joy
Melissa

Darren

Xiaozhu
Fahrenheit-Wu Chun

NJCO Alumni
nvac
Achievers Blog
Achievers Forum
NUS Psych Society
A
B
F
K
C
Val's Find My Top
Bags for sale
psychopathic


LiNkS____.
 Nohari window
Results of Nohari Window


fRagmenTs Of LiFe____.
 July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
May 2013



Sunday, October 30, 2005

had a talk with my buddy and YESH realised something that I have known for a very long time.
And that is. I truly make people around me miserable. I hurt them in ways that no normal family member would do. Why the hell do I exist? I finally know the answer. It is to bring suffering and pain to people around me.

In that case, I wish I were dead. Right now. This very moment. Every moment of my life. From now on. I may:

jaywalk and get slammed by a vehicle.

jog and have a heart attack.

get pushed onto the mrt railway tracks.

get stabbed.

just grab a knife and slit my wrists OR neck OR simply stab myself.

electrocute myself.

jump down from a 30-storey building.

go drown myself in the sea.

suffocate myself with a plastic bag.

tie a noose around myself.

light myself up like a torch.

starve myself.

get a drug overdose.

etc.

whatever ways. I don't deserve to live. I'm such a pathetic excuse for a human being. so let me die. alone. with no one to waste their time watching a scumbag depart from this world. if in my death i can redeem my mistakes, so be it.

Blogado por moi às 11:55 PM ||

Comments:
you missed out on freezing to death. Its more romantic, trust me. hahhaa...

Anyway, don't just focus on the bad times you brought to others. Most of the time, we are a gift to other people simply because of our presence. Other people may not say it, but we might be precious to them in ways we never suspected.

If we are really that irritating, we will be lynched sooner or later. No point hurrying that process though. heh.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 12:48 AM
 
Nobody can hurt us if we don't let them. Nobody can make us miserable if we forbid it.

You can't go around making people miserable unless they allowed you to do it to them.

We all exist for a purpose. If that's just to make others miserable, then so be it. Heck, if they hadn't tasted misery, depression, would they have made such a big deal out of joy, happiness, enlightenment?

Which is why there's a God and a Satan. Which is why there's a you... and then there's a me. Lol... okay, okay, just kidding ;-)

I just don't wanna see you like this... Anyway, who's to dictate what's good for us and what's not?
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 10:23 AM
 
hey ppl..thanx lotsa!!! dun worry i feel abit better already...and duncha worry..i wun commit suicide..lol..as i said, I'm too much of a coward..lol..

itz just all the guilt starts piling up all of a sudden...and i juz realise how immature and insensitive i've been..and it gets at me..

no worries..i'm just in another one of my depressed moods..i'll snap out of it..i did before...

n i am a melodramatic person by nature...so..dun be too worried bout wat i write on my blog sia..most of the time I like to blow things out of proportion...just like how i like to start conflicts...

itz me...i'm the one with a problem..

thanx for all ur concern...u're COOL..all of u..
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 12:05 AM
 
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______________________________

whAt mY BiRtHDaTe meAnS____.
Your Birthdate: March 12
You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December
What Does Your Birth Date Mean?


mY TeMpERaMEnt ____.
You Have a Melancholic Temperament
Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?


tHe kEY to My HeARt ____.
The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is high. You can't resist desire and lust. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?


You are Agnostic
You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care. For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine. You rather focus on what you can control - your own life. And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

hOW dARk iS yOUR sOUl____.
 HASH(0x8b67248)
How dark is your soul? (Great pics)
brought to you by Quizilla DARK - You are evil, your soul shows no light, u hate large crowds and loads of friends. You cannot resist the urge to cause pain.


You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

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