Sunday, December 04, 2005
Went shopping with yy, ll and zy last wed at Bugis. it was the usual get-together day, with lotsa crapping, and of course shopping. For me, I guess it was rather fruitful coz I finally got the belated birthday presents for two of my friends. haiz. I must say being my friend is irritating to say the least. I AlwayAs give belated presents. And my belated is VERY belated, if u get what I mean. LOL. Feel so bad about it.
Anyway. Towards the end of the day, after ll had left to go back to NTU, zy asked me this question, "Are you happy?". I guess she was referring to whether I was happy with all the shopping that day, since our conversation at that time was about how yy should be super happy with her newly bought earrings, belt and the dress she was trying on at tt time and was going to buy. Seriously, I've already forgotten what I replied. BUt it was probably along the lines of "Yar, why not?" since I bought a pendant and my friends' presents. Hmm..ok..i think i asked her how does she define happiness..LOL..and of coz she thinks I'm fucking OFF..bleahz.
However, thinking about it later, I can't really say that I am happy. Right now. At 21 yrs old. I mean I guess I was glad that I've finally done something that had been weighing on me for a good part of the semester. BUt happy I probably was not. I mean, how do you define happiness? Does it mean to be happy at a particular moment? Happy because of certain events? happy in general? About life? About what I have accomplished in life? About myself?
While walking back home from the mrt station, I tried to think of events or special moments when I felt truly happy. And I couldn't come up with any. There were events that made me feel relieved, glad, comforted & touched...BUt not happy. I remembered the last psych lecture when I experienced hypnosis, there was a part when prof got us to regress back to childhood times from our present age to 10 years old to 7 years old. well, something like that, dun really remember the exact ages. Anyway, we're supposed to write our names on a piece of paper at each regression and it was interesting to see how the names and handwriting got more kiddy with each regression. BUt, what striked me as sad at that very particular moment was when prof asked us to think of a scene when we were very happy at each particular age, and I simply can't think of any. I was super disturbed for a long time after that. I mean I dun have a sad or troubled childhood. BUt I simply can't remember any particular scene when I was happy. Even now, if you do ask me to recall any such events, I can't really tell you when I was happy.
ok think I'm exaggerating again. I mean of course there were events which made me happy at that particular moment, especially when I find someone with whom I can really talk. Because I've always found it difficult to find a person with whom I can really crap without being self-conscious. I'm the kind of person who needs others to initiate conversations because I'm not a crapper by nature. It's hard to find people to talk to, especially those with whom you can crap on any subject matter, blurt out anything in front of them without first considering if it would be offending, talk about your dreams, hopes, fears and worries and there would be no awkward silences between both of you because you can always find something to talk about with no conscious efforts and periods of silence are comforting instead of awkward.
However, I can't recall any happiness that stays with me for a long time. I can't really say that I'm happy with my life, even though I am trying to live in the present and not the past and perhaps the future, to savour each and every moment of my life. Because I believe that life is the moment I'm living right now. It's the only thing I can directly change and influence. There's no point thinking about the past because it's all over and done with. So I try to do things without leaving any regrets. It's a life principle I've been holding on to for a long time and I find that it makes moving ahead in life abit easier. Future is not something that I like to think about because I fear to see the darkness that shrouds the path in front of me.
i guess you can say that it's noticing all the little pleasures in life that makes a person happy. I should then be glad that each day in my life is not the same as the next. I learn something new everytime I bother to accept the fact that I'm not perfect; I meet new people and make new friends when I bother to self-disclose and walk out of my shell; the challenges that come my way.
Yet I still harbour a tiny secret hope that one day I'll possess the kind of happiness that will permeate my entire being every minute of my waking moments. I guess it's the kind of happiness that would be equivalent to the blissfulness people experience when they wake up every morning and see their other half sleeping right beside them, bathed in the soft light of the early morning. I know I demand too much out of life. I'm too idealistic BUt I sincerely believe that such happiness exists. Meanwhile, I guess I just hafta be content with all the little pleasures in my life and treasure them coz they are too few.
Blogado por moi às 11:03 PM ||
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