I've been wanting to change for so long
My cowardice's getting to me
I'm such a scaredy cat
You'd think such a loser as I
Would have been dead a long time ago
BUT no..i'm still very much alive

How much alive?
Look at me and u'd noe
I'm more of a walking dead
Better off dead than alive

I talk BIG
I talk about wanting liberation and freedom
BUT do I have the nerve to play the game
When the time comes?

No one knows
What I do know is I dun have the balls
To play that is
Something is always pulling me back
I duno if there really is sth
Something like obligations and commitment
Or is it just an excuse to escape?
I look at myself in the mirror everyday
And all I see is a shell

I listen to what I say to others
And all I hear is hypocrisy
I try to remember all my actions
And all I can feel is my silliness
Who am I really?
Even I myself duno
I'm so lost and confused
There are so many 'mes'

I no longer noe
Which is the REAL me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm so selfish
I only think about 'me'
What about the others around me?
Dun they count?
I look in my heart and all I find is darkness
I look in my mind and I find emptiness
I look at myself and I find
A shitload of crap
My past is full of might-have-beens
My present is full of what the hell am i doing?
My future is dark in front of me
Seriously, I think my presence on earth
Is a BIG mistake
I fuck up everything and
I'm so GOOD at making ppl ard mi miserable
They'll prob find life easier
If I'm dead
I crave for death so much
You would think I'd commit suicide
BUT dun forget I'm a loser
I'm simply too damn scared to do it
In conclusion
I SUX...totally
____________

tHe DrEaMmEr____.
a hardcore bitch
a loser
a slacker
a dreamer
a failure
a contradictory person
a confused gal
a nobody who wanna b a somebody & a nobody at the same time
a fuck-up

WiSh LisT____.
everyone I care about (my family, cw, my friends)
to be healthy, safe & happy always
everyone I care about to outlive me
to die a horrible death

to fulfill my dreams:
a career as a police/forensic psychologist
a home(cottage/ranch) in UK/US
learn horse riding
learn how to shoot all kinda guns
learn lotsa foreign lang
learn skiing
go bungee jumping
learn hypnosis

LOveS____.
My family. cw
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Jay Chou. Luo Zhixiang.
Shakrukh Khan. Barry Manilow.
Dark Funeral.
Figo. Raul. Zidane. Deco. Van de sar.
K Bryant. M Jordan. A Iverson
Real Madrid. Man U.
Bleach. Fruits Baskets. Full Metal Alchemist.
Get Backers. Slam Dunk.
E Lit. Psych. Art.
Chocolates. Purple. Horses. Dogs.
Reading. Writing. Sketching. Music.
Night. Rain. Silence. Winter.
SimPliCitY.

MOvieS wAtcHed with dd____.
The Simpsons Movie. Knocked Up.
The Bourne Ultimatum.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Broken English. Secret. Stardust. Next.
The Nanny Diaries. I am Legend.
Sex is Zero. The Shutter.
Just my luck. Step up.

tHe fElLow DrEaMeRs____.
wl
wl
cousin hy
zt
ph
yy
ll
yt
hx
xf
jl
Dorothy
Janice
kellY
William
Clement
Clement
Joy
Melissa

Darren

Xiaozhu
Fahrenheit-Wu Chun

NJCO Alumni
nvac
Achievers Blog
Achievers Forum
NUS Psych Society
A
B
F
K
C
Val's Find My Top
Bags for sale
psychopathic

LiNkS____.
Nohari window
Results of Nohari Window

fRagmenTs Of LiFe____.
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
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July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
May 2013

Monday, December 05, 2005

Recently, I've been getting a lot of questions asking me what I am going to do after I graduate. From people I know, from those I don't really know that well, from those I like and those I don't really like. This question is of course pertaining to the fact that I major in psychology. Somehow, it's getting on my nerves, even though I know that it is really not their fault or anything and that the question is of an innocent nature, asked probably due to curiosity or concern or as a conversation topic or something only they know.

It's been this way ever since I decided to go into arts after sec school. I remembered I told one of my classmates when she asked and she gave this "Really? Are you sure?" look. Then she said that going into arts is not that wise a choice because of the limited career choices. I was like "huh?!". haha can't believe we were "good" friends during my early secondary school years. I mean why think so much? I thought studying should be based on one's likes and dislikes and not based on the potential career paths available. And who says that being an arts student means one's career choices are limited? Sometimes, I think that arts students are much more intellectual and sensitive than students from other academic fields.

Back to psychology. Again people say how studying psychology in S'pore is rather dumb coz of the small market. Seriously, I think so too. BUt what the heck, I study psychology not because of a career. I study it coz I like it. I have interest in it. Just like I love English Literature. I don't want to live my life regretting that I didn't follow my heart. it's that simple.

What do I want to do after I graduate? In answer to this question, if I really dun like the person and can't really be bothered to tell him/her anything, I'll simply say I don't know. However, I haven't been this nasty for quite abit of time. LOL. Nowadays, my standard answer is that I would like to try to get into the police psychology unit, which seriously is what I wanna do.

BUt recently after chatting with a friend on msn, I start to wonder. If wanting to be a police psychologist is what I really want. Or is it something that I chose after considering all the possible life paths that are easily available to me. Something that I chose because it is the next step on the well-trodden path. Am I the one controlling my life or is life controlling my every decision?

Seriously, what I really want to do in life is to travel. Lead a nomadic life. To pack my bags and go to wherever I want to go. To not have to worry about anyone or anything. Whether I'm earning enough to make ends meet, to support the family. NO!! What I really want to do is to travel. Work when I want to. Eat when I want to. Sleep when I want to. To stay when I want to or leave when I'm tired of a place. And when I have enough travelling, I'll stay and work at a ranch and live out the rest of my days with horses. BUt I guess it's gonna be difficult coz it would mean to be irresponsible since I'm supposed to be the eldest in the family.

My friend says that I'm putting too much on myself, that I should live for myself. Hmm, I guess I am living for myself. In a way. Just that the things that I want are sometimes too far beyond my reach because they are not realistic. I know nothing's wrong with being not realistic. Just that life is made up of responsibilities and commitments, whether we like it or not. "Life has no meaning except in terms of responsibilities." I guess I can't really cut off all ties just like that without first making sure that everyone will be ok without me. I mean I know they will be ok without me, since my presence is probably living hell for them. BUt being the eldest, I have to at least make sure that my sis is financially independent and my parents are financially ok before I leave. And of coz my grandparents. I want to stay close to them for the moment. Or perhaps I'm just plain scared. I'm afraid of the unknown. Haiz, who knows?

So I guess I gotta be practical. Stick to my original plan. I guess in life one can't always get what one always wants. Though I can always make the best use of what life throws at me. BUt I'm happy for my friend. Coz I asked him and he's doing what he really wanna do. And that is really rare, at least in my opinion, to be able to do something that you really and truly wanna do.

Hope all my friends get to realise their dreams and attain happiness too. Because true happiness lies in doing what one really wanna do, in realising one's dreams and recognising one's destiny.

Blogado por moi às 4:28 PM ||

______________________________

whAt mY BiRtHDaTe meAnS____.

Your Birthdate: March 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December