I've been wanting to change for so long
My cowardice's getting to me
I'm such a scaredy cat
You'd think such a loser as I
Would have been dead a long time ago
BUT no..i'm still very much alive

How much alive?
Look at me and u'd noe
I'm more of a walking dead
Better off dead than alive

I talk BIG
I talk about wanting liberation and freedom
BUT do I have the nerve to play the game
When the time comes?

No one knows
What I do know is I dun have the balls
To play that is
Something is always pulling me back
I duno if there really is sth
Something like obligations and commitment
Or is it just an excuse to escape?
I look at myself in the mirror everyday
And all I see is a shell

I listen to what I say to others
And all I hear is hypocrisy
I try to remember all my actions
And all I can feel is my silliness
Who am I really?
Even I myself duno
I'm so lost and confused
There are so many 'mes'

I no longer noe
Which is the REAL me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm so selfish
I only think about 'me'
What about the others around me?
Dun they count?
I look in my heart and all I find is darkness
I look in my mind and I find emptiness
I look at myself and I find
A shitload of crap
My past is full of might-have-beens
My present is full of what the hell am i doing?
My future is dark in front of me
Seriously, I think my presence on earth
Is a BIG mistake
I fuck up everything and
I'm so GOOD at making ppl ard mi miserable
They'll prob find life easier
If I'm dead
I crave for death so much
You would think I'd commit suicide
BUT dun forget I'm a loser
I'm simply too damn scared to do it
In conclusion
I SUX...totally
____________

tHe DrEaMmEr____.
a hardcore bitch
a loser
a slacker
a dreamer
a failure
a contradictory person
a confused gal
a nobody who wanna b a somebody & a nobody at the same time
a fuck-up

WiSh LisT____.
everyone I care about (my family, cw, my friends)
to be healthy, safe & happy always
everyone I care about to outlive me
to die a horrible death

to fulfill my dreams:
a career as a police/forensic psychologist
a home(cottage/ranch) in UK/US
learn horse riding
learn how to shoot all kinda guns
learn lotsa foreign lang
learn skiing
go bungee jumping
learn hypnosis

LOveS____.
My family. cw
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Jay Chou. Luo Zhixiang.
Shakrukh Khan. Barry Manilow.
Dark Funeral.
Figo. Raul. Zidane. Deco. Van de sar.
K Bryant. M Jordan. A Iverson
Real Madrid. Man U.
Bleach. Fruits Baskets. Full Metal Alchemist.
Get Backers. Slam Dunk.
E Lit. Psych. Art.
Chocolates. Purple. Horses. Dogs.
Reading. Writing. Sketching. Music.
Night. Rain. Silence. Winter.
SimPliCitY.

MOvieS wAtcHed with dd____.
The Simpsons Movie. Knocked Up.
The Bourne Ultimatum.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Broken English. Secret. Stardust. Next.
The Nanny Diaries. I am Legend.
Sex is Zero. The Shutter.
Just my luck. Step up.

tHe fElLow DrEaMeRs____.
wl
wl
cousin hy
zt
ph
yy
ll
yt
hx
xf
jl
Dorothy
Janice
kellY
William
Clement
Clement
Joy
Melissa

Darren

Xiaozhu
Fahrenheit-Wu Chun

NJCO Alumni
nvac
Achievers Blog
Achievers Forum
NUS Psych Society
A
B
F
K
C
Val's Find My Top
Bags for sale
psychopathic

LiNkS____.
Nohari window
Results of Nohari Window

fRagmenTs Of LiFe____.
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
May 2013

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

It's been a long time since I last blogged. Been super lazy and not in a blogging mood. LOL. I think my blogging mood mostly surfaces when I'm in an anti-social mood. wahaha. So yupz, I've been socialising quite abit this hols. Another change in my life. Well, it's good to get rid of some of the stagnancy in my life, I guess. Otherwise I would be even more boring than the current boring being you see now. LOL.

Anyway, went to imh again last sat. It's been a super long time since I last went, ever since the study break. And I've nearly forgotten how very enriching and satisfying each visit was. This time, it was especially unforgettable coz not only did I interact with a few people at one single session, I came to realise something. That I have probably been underestimating these people.

On the surface, they are patients. People diagnosed with mental disorders. BUt it doesn't make them any less of a human being. A normal human being with feelings, emotions, thoughts and opinions. Just like you and me. Having mental disorders doesn't necessarily mean that they are any less intelligent or wise.

Whilst talking with one of them, he asked me if I have any problems or troubles. And being the stupid, condescending, immature, and patronising person that I am, I actually said that I had no problems. Goodness. Who in their right mind would believe that? That I am a perfectly untroubled person, living a perfect life?!! Duh. Again, there shows my problems with communicating with others. I just can't self-disclose. Reciprocation in any kind of relationship and conversation is the most basic step in creating and building trust and I just can't seem to grasp it. Well, he was kind enough to say that if i have any problems and need any listening ear or advice, I can always look for him. And I was stunned. It was a complete role-reversal.

Somehow, we got onto the topic of parents. How when they nag and complain and yell at us, they're just showing their concern. The difference between mothers and fathers. That mothers usually are the naggers and of course the ones children can't be bothered listening to and that the fathers are usually the quiet and reserved ones. And there you go. My problem. I got to admit. I got a serious communication problem with my parents. Especially with my mum. I seriously don't know why. A friend once asked me if it was due to the Electra complex. And the answer is a definite NO. So I started to voice out my problems and the advice he gave me though were not exactly original, since most other people have already told me and I myself have thought of it during my repentance periods, were nonetheless valuable. NOt just valuable in the advice itself, BUt the fact that it made me realised just how much I've underestimated them. Clearly I know shit about them and of course volunteering. I know I'm not of volunteer calibre BUt never had I thought myself of being of a callous nature. Well there you have it. I'm always blind to the evil in me. I hope I haven't caused any hurt to anyone there. haiz.

After that, I talked to another person and he remembered me from previous sessions. I was seriously touched. Anyway we got to talking about stuff and he told me about how he's trying very hard to get back to society. All the obstacles and stuff. And it struck me. How very determined and courageous these people are. Despite all the societal obstacles and social stigma associated with mental disorders, they tried so very hard to make a living for themselves. They don't ask for much. Just a means of living. A decent income to feed themselves and have a roof over their heads. A small niche in the vast world outside that they can call their own. They are so very normal, just like us. Yet, their road is so much more difficult to travel. Unlike mine. My roads are well-paved and protected from winds and rains. Yet I give up so easily. I complain. I bitch. I hate my life. What the fuck. I am so freaking ashamed of myself.

Yesh. Clearly, I still have lotsa to learn. I need to GROW Up!!! And IMh is clearly gonna teach me lotsa stuff. That is if i'm willing to learn and if I opened myself up to learn and to absorb.

Blogado por moi às 10:46 AM ||

______________________________

whAt mY BiRtHDaTe meAnS____.

Your Birthdate: March 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December