I've been wanting to change for so long
My cowardice's getting to me
I'm such a scaredy cat
You'd think such a loser as I
Would have been dead a long time ago
BUT no..i'm still very much alive

How much alive?
Look at me and u'd noe
I'm more of a walking dead
Better off dead than alive

I talk BIG
I talk about wanting liberation and freedom
BUT do I have the nerve to play the game
When the time comes?

No one knows
What I do know is I dun have the balls
To play that is
Something is always pulling me back
I duno if there really is sth
Something like obligations and commitment
Or is it just an excuse to escape?
I look at myself in the mirror everyday
And all I see is a shell

I listen to what I say to others
And all I hear is hypocrisy
I try to remember all my actions
And all I can feel is my silliness
Who am I really?
Even I myself duno
I'm so lost and confused
There are so many 'mes'

I no longer noe
Which is the REAL me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm so selfish
I only think about 'me'
What about the others around me?
Dun they count?
I look in my heart and all I find is darkness
I look in my mind and I find emptiness
I look at myself and I find
A shitload of crap
My past is full of might-have-beens
My present is full of what the hell am i doing?
My future is dark in front of me
Seriously, I think my presence on earth
Is a BIG mistake
I fuck up everything and
I'm so GOOD at making ppl ard mi miserable
They'll prob find life easier
If I'm dead
I crave for death so much
You would think I'd commit suicide
BUT dun forget I'm a loser
I'm simply too damn scared to do it
In conclusion
I SUX...totally
____________

tHe DrEaMmEr____.
a hardcore bitch
a loser
a slacker
a dreamer
a failure
a contradictory person
a confused gal
a nobody who wanna b a somebody & a nobody at the same time
a fuck-up

WiSh LisT____.
everyone I care about (my family, cw, my friends)
to be healthy, safe & happy always
everyone I care about to outlive me
to die a horrible death

to fulfill my dreams:
a career as a police/forensic psychologist
a home(cottage/ranch) in UK/US
learn horse riding
learn how to shoot all kinda guns
learn lotsa foreign lang
learn skiing
go bungee jumping
learn hypnosis

LOveS____.
My family. cw
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Jay Chou. Luo Zhixiang.
Shakrukh Khan. Barry Manilow.
Dark Funeral.
Figo. Raul. Zidane. Deco. Van de sar.
K Bryant. M Jordan. A Iverson
Real Madrid. Man U.
Bleach. Fruits Baskets. Full Metal Alchemist.
Get Backers. Slam Dunk.
E Lit. Psych. Art.
Chocolates. Purple. Horses. Dogs.
Reading. Writing. Sketching. Music.
Night. Rain. Silence. Winter.
SimPliCitY.

MOvieS wAtcHed with dd____.
The Simpsons Movie. Knocked Up.
The Bourne Ultimatum.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Broken English. Secret. Stardust. Next.
The Nanny Diaries. I am Legend.
Sex is Zero. The Shutter.
Just my luck. Step up.

tHe fElLow DrEaMeRs____.
wl
wl
cousin hy
zt
ph
yy
ll
yt
hx
xf
jl
Dorothy
Janice
kellY
William
Clement
Clement
Joy
Melissa

Darren

Xiaozhu
Fahrenheit-Wu Chun

NJCO Alumni
nvac
Achievers Blog
Achievers Forum
NUS Psych Society
A
B
F
K
C
Val's Find My Top
Bags for sale
psychopathic

LiNkS____.
Nohari window
Results of Nohari Window

fRagmenTs Of LiFe____.
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
May 2013

Sunday, July 30, 2006

i was talking to 2 nus psych majors who will be going on to honours yrs from the course i took yesterday and we're talking about what we're gonna do after we grad. they said that they plan to volunteer 1st after grad to get more exposure to different settings before choosing the area of field they want. And i was thinking that it was actually a freaking good idea, except that not everyone can afford to do that. it needs a certain amount of financial background in the first place to do something like that, and while i know my dad would support me in most of anything i do, this is too much to ask.

So, i'll just stick to my original plans. i'm gonna just be very very realistic, and grab the very first job that comes my way. considering my capabilities and results, this is probably the only way i'm gonna get a job anyway. if i really can't get anything related to psych, anything will do. because putting aside all the idealism and dreams, money is still money. in this society, money is needed for survival. without money, we won't be able to protect the people we love.

this is so totally not me, i know. but i guess people change or shall i say, for some of us, as we grow older, idealism and dreams become more and more unreachable as reality creeps closer. i used to think channel 8 dramas are so freaking exaggerated and super melodramatic and that they are just some whims and fantasy of a very imaginative and melodramatic scriptwriter. selfishness used to hold a negative connotation for me, but it has now become the quintessential element for survival and self-defence.

my mum always says that we should accumulate good karma. when people harm us or people around us, we take it in our stride. we do not degenerate to their level of immorality by cursing or scolding them. it's good advice i know. and sometimes, cursing such people may in turn hurt the very people you would want to protect. but sometimes, i think doesn't swallowing all the insults and curses mean that we open ourselves to greater hurt? you can't fight back. you can't protect the people you love.

it irritates the hell out of me. i'm a very direct person. if i don't like a person, it shows. through my speech, my actions and my facial expressions. i won't talk to the person. i won't be in the same room, on the same bus, whatever, with the person. i know we should always learn to self-montior, especially since we psych majors learn so much about self-monitoring. it just doesn't work with me.

but there are times when we have to at least pretend to socially accept the person we dislike. for a lot of reasons. because you need a job. you need to suck up to the person because you need the testimonials or at least a good impression of you. you need the networking. because they are your friends' friends, your bosses, your lecturers, your groupmates, your colleagues, your whatever.

i used to think networking is a lousy way of getting jobs. it's pretentious. degrading. i know it's necessary for some jobs such as those involving business, and politics for as tom clancy writes in his novels, "in politics, sometimes you have to work alongside people you would normally not invite into your home", or something along those lines... but i never dreamt that it would involve psychology. sadly, it does. some of the people i know have been doing these networking ever since dunno when.

i've learnt or rather i've realised self-control and suppression of true emotions that used to hold such negative connotations for me, being almost symbolic of the conservativeness of asian culture, are at times needed and absolutely essential. not only to our own survival. but most importantly, to protect people we love. to make the people we love happy.
you can say i've grown up alittle. matured alittle. or that i've grown more cynical. if you can imagine me being more cynical than what i already am. or you can say that i'm finally beginning to accept what reality really is.

Blogado por moi às 9:44 AM ||

______________________________

whAt mY BiRtHDaTe meAnS____.

Your Birthdate: March 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December