I've been wanting to change for so long
My cowardice's getting to me
I'm such a scaredy cat
You'd think such a loser as I
Would have been dead a long time ago
BUT no..i'm still very much alive

How much alive?
Look at me and u'd noe
I'm more of a walking dead
Better off dead than alive

I talk BIG
I talk about wanting liberation and freedom
BUT do I have the nerve to play the game
When the time comes?

No one knows
What I do know is I dun have the balls
To play that is
Something is always pulling me back
I duno if there really is sth
Something like obligations and commitment
Or is it just an excuse to escape?
I look at myself in the mirror everyday
And all I see is a shell

I listen to what I say to others
And all I hear is hypocrisy
I try to remember all my actions
And all I can feel is my silliness
Who am I really?
Even I myself duno
I'm so lost and confused
There are so many 'mes'

I no longer noe
Which is the REAL me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm so selfish
I only think about 'me'
What about the others around me?
Dun they count?
I look in my heart and all I find is darkness
I look in my mind and I find emptiness
I look at myself and I find
A shitload of crap
My past is full of might-have-beens
My present is full of what the hell am i doing?
My future is dark in front of me
Seriously, I think my presence on earth
Is a BIG mistake
I fuck up everything and
I'm so GOOD at making ppl ard mi miserable
They'll prob find life easier
If I'm dead
I crave for death so much
You would think I'd commit suicide
BUT dun forget I'm a loser
I'm simply too damn scared to do it
In conclusion
I SUX...totally
____________


tHe DrEaMmEr____.
 a hardcore bitch
a loser
a slacker
a dreamer
a failure
a contradictory person
a confused gal
a nobody who wanna b a somebody & a nobody at the same time
a fuck-up


WiSh LisT____.
 everyone I care about (my family, cw, my friends)
to be healthy, safe & happy always
everyone I care about to outlive me
to die a horrible death

to fulfill my dreams:
a career as a police/forensic psychologist
a home(cottage/ranch) in UK/US
learn horse riding
learn how to shoot all kinda guns
learn lotsa foreign lang
learn skiing
go bungee jumping
learn hypnosis


LOveS____.
 My family. cw
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Jay Chou. Luo Zhixiang.
Shakrukh Khan. Barry Manilow.
Dark Funeral.
Figo. Raul. Zidane. Deco. Van de sar.
K Bryant. M Jordan. A Iverson
Real Madrid. Man U.
Bleach. Fruits Baskets. Full Metal Alchemist.
Get Backers. Slam Dunk.
E Lit. Psych. Art.
Chocolates. Purple. Horses. Dogs.
Reading. Writing. Sketching. Music.
Night. Rain. Silence. Winter.
SimPliCitY.


MOvieS wAtcHed with dd____.
 The Simpsons Movie. Knocked Up.
The Bourne Ultimatum.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Broken English. Secret. Stardust. Next.
The Nanny Diaries. I am Legend.
Sex is Zero. The Shutter.
Just my luck. Step up.


tHe fElLow DrEaMeRs____.
 wl
wl
cousin hy
zt
ph
yy
ll
yt
hx
xf
jl
Dorothy
Janice
kellY
William
Clement
Clement
Joy
Melissa

Darren

Xiaozhu
Fahrenheit-Wu Chun

NJCO Alumni
nvac
Achievers Blog
Achievers Forum
NUS Psych Society
A
B
F
K
C
Val's Find My Top
Bags for sale
psychopathic


LiNkS____.
 Nohari window
Results of Nohari Window


fRagmenTs Of LiFe____.
 July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
May 2013



Sunday, July 16, 2006

got tagged by janice eons ago..so sorry janice!!!...this tag is difficult man..gotta crack my brain which is very dead at the moment...well here goes..

Bold for true statements, italics for things that u wish for...red for NEVER. Regular for rubbish, then stab 5 people to do the same test.

I'm in love...with the kids and the youths i've met this hols. They're so adorable and sincere. I used to hate chidren alot. I feel like slapping and shaking every single one of them, at least those who always screech at the top of their voices and dash about on the mrt. I still don't like these children. But i realise that i don't hate all children. I wish i can stay because seriously i'm totally addicted to them. i wish i dun hafta go back to school. i wish i can stay and work straightaway. i've killed the babies i've held in my arms. i twist their heads, hang them upside down from a place, drop them on the floor head first after throwing them high up into the air and smash their heads against the wall to see their little heads get smashed up like watermelons and the blood splattered all over the wall. i've harboured such thoughts, even though i've never done it in reality. i've reenacted the scenes every time i see a baby.

i sleep naked in bed every night. i love the idea of sleeping naked. it symbolises freedom and a great way to relax and get rid of all the worries. i have a friend who sleeps naked and seriously i'm jealous. i've told him so. someday, when i live alone, i'll do it.

i hate commitments and responsibilities. i try to run away from them all the time but sometimes it's difficult and i jus hafta to shoulder the responsibilities. i wish i can put everything down. pack a backpack. tour the world and lead a wandering life. i'll explore all the different countries and cultures. eat when i want to. work when i'm out of money. and then settle down at a ranch and live happily ever after with horses. and of course have sex with guys from all the different countries that i explore. and of course the gals too. i've tried lesbian sex. it's absolutely exhilarating and liberating. try it and u'll be hooked. i guarantee.

i'm scared to death about the idea of mortality and death. it's a deep-seated fear in me and it rears up especially late in the night. i wish for my family to remain healthy and happy always. i wish i will be able to protect all of you. and i will. protect all of u even if i die doing so.

i've slashed my wrists before. watching the blood trickling from the cut and being washed away under a running tap, i feel a sense of rush and exhilaration. i feel free. liberated. i've tried hanging myself but the thought of having a pool of shit under me when i die and the ugliness of my posture after rigor motis set in deterred me. i've gone to the 13th floor of a HDB estate and thought of jumping down but the thought of smashing down to the floor and looking unrecognisable like smashed meat splattered all over the floor to the amusement of onlookers disgust me. drowning, i've tried holding my breath and forcing myself down into the water at the sea. it's scary looking as the sky looks further and further away. the feeling of hopelessness sets in. and a warmth gradually spreads over me and the world dulls. just then some stupid guy who wanted to act hero rescued me sputtering to the beach. too bad i wasn't yet too far gone that i needed resuscitation. at least he would have been of some use since he isn't bad-looking.

ahh..think this is enough, janice?!! lol cos i'm getting quite a kick and it's not good to let others see just how twisted i really am all at once, duncha think? it won't be much of a surprise next time..i need to keep some stuff so that i can still shock people in the future. it's so much nicer that way...lol

just realise i dun hav much rubbish..but i guess tt's cos most of what i write is rubbish anyway except the family part..oh well..everyone knows i'm kinda rubbishy in nature..so no surprise..




Blogado por moi às 12:07 PM ||

Comments:
no worries gal =) i'm just very very touched that you still remember. was great reading your tag. and you should post more often la!
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 7:10 PM
 
ahahah hope u weren't disgusted with what i wrote...lol...ya i know i haven been posting this hols...been rather busy..hee probably will pick up the rate of posting again when sch starts..lol
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 6:59 PM
 
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______________________________

whAt mY BiRtHDaTe meAnS____.
Your Birthdate: March 12
You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December
What Does Your Birth Date Mean?


mY TeMpERaMEnt ____.
You Have a Melancholic Temperament
Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?


tHe kEY to My HeARt ____.
The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is high. You can't resist desire and lust. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?


You are Agnostic
You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care. For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine. You rather focus on what you can control - your own life. And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

hOW dARk iS yOUR sOUl____.
 HASH(0x8b67248)
How dark is your soul? (Great pics)
brought to you by Quizilla DARK - You are evil, your soul shows no light, u hate large crowds and loads of friends. You cannot resist the urge to cause pain.


You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

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