I've been wanting to change for so long
My cowardice's getting to me
I'm such a scaredy cat
You'd think such a loser as I
Would have been dead a long time ago
BUT no..i'm still very much alive

How much alive?
Look at me and u'd noe
I'm more of a walking dead
Better off dead than alive

I talk BIG
I talk about wanting liberation and freedom
BUT do I have the nerve to play the game
When the time comes?

No one knows
What I do know is I dun have the balls
To play that is
Something is always pulling me back
I duno if there really is sth
Something like obligations and commitment
Or is it just an excuse to escape?
I look at myself in the mirror everyday
And all I see is a shell

I listen to what I say to others
And all I hear is hypocrisy
I try to remember all my actions
And all I can feel is my silliness
Who am I really?
Even I myself duno
I'm so lost and confused
There are so many 'mes'

I no longer noe
Which is the REAL me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm so selfish
I only think about 'me'
What about the others around me?
Dun they count?
I look in my heart and all I find is darkness
I look in my mind and I find emptiness
I look at myself and I find
A shitload of crap
My past is full of might-have-beens
My present is full of what the hell am i doing?
My future is dark in front of me
Seriously, I think my presence on earth
Is a BIG mistake
I fuck up everything and
I'm so GOOD at making ppl ard mi miserable
They'll prob find life easier
If I'm dead
I crave for death so much
You would think I'd commit suicide
BUT dun forget I'm a loser
I'm simply too damn scared to do it
In conclusion
I SUX...totally
____________

tHe DrEaMmEr____.
a hardcore bitch
a loser
a slacker
a dreamer
a failure
a contradictory person
a confused gal
a nobody who wanna b a somebody & a nobody at the same time
a fuck-up

WiSh LisT____.
everyone I care about (my family, cw, my friends)
to be healthy, safe & happy always
everyone I care about to outlive me
to die a horrible death

to fulfill my dreams:
a career as a police/forensic psychologist
a home(cottage/ranch) in UK/US
learn horse riding
learn how to shoot all kinda guns
learn lotsa foreign lang
learn skiing
go bungee jumping
learn hypnosis

LOveS____.
My family. cw
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Jay Chou. Luo Zhixiang.
Shakrukh Khan. Barry Manilow.
Dark Funeral.
Figo. Raul. Zidane. Deco. Van de sar.
K Bryant. M Jordan. A Iverson
Real Madrid. Man U.
Bleach. Fruits Baskets. Full Metal Alchemist.
Get Backers. Slam Dunk.
E Lit. Psych. Art.
Chocolates. Purple. Horses. Dogs.
Reading. Writing. Sketching. Music.
Night. Rain. Silence. Winter.
SimPliCitY.

MOvieS wAtcHed with dd____.
The Simpsons Movie. Knocked Up.
The Bourne Ultimatum.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Broken English. Secret. Stardust. Next.
The Nanny Diaries. I am Legend.
Sex is Zero. The Shutter.
Just my luck. Step up.

tHe fElLow DrEaMeRs____.
wl
wl
cousin hy
zt
ph
yy
ll
yt
hx
xf
jl
Dorothy
Janice
kellY
William
Clement
Clement
Joy
Melissa

Darren

Xiaozhu
Fahrenheit-Wu Chun

NJCO Alumni
nvac
Achievers Blog
Achievers Forum
NUS Psych Society
A
B
F
K
C
Val's Find My Top
Bags for sale
psychopathic

LiNkS____.
Nohari window
Results of Nohari Window

fRagmenTs Of LiFe____.
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
May 2013

Monday, September 04, 2006

Every morning, i wake up with mixed feelings,
A feeling of awe at a brand new day, a brand new challenge,
A feeling of trepidation as I wonder if everything will go smoothly today,
If I can take what life is going to throw at me.
Anxious to succeed at the things I've promised myself to take on,
Yet knowing deep in my heart that I'll fail anyway.
Thankful yet resentful of the fact that I am still alive,
A sense of inevitability as the haze of fantasy gradually clears,
And reality sets in, that this is yet another day I have to face.
A desperate desire to go back to sleep and escape to the land of fantasy,
Knowing that each struggle merely prolongs the inevitability.

Dragged myself out of bed,
Looking at the reflection of myself in the mirror,
The naiveity, the anxiety, the trepidation,
The crave for attention and love,
The pathetic need to feel needed,
The desperate desire to soar high,
To seek freedom, independence, dreams, a niche to call my own,
The lack of confidence, and the cowardice,
All shining through the windows of the soul,
Bare for all to see.

Yet a few seconds later,
The eyes dull, the shutters close,
Shadows reign,
The clang of metal gates echo in the mind,
And the walls perfected in the name of self-defence rise to enclose every single part of me.
Looking in the mirror again, only to find
A complete stranger.

Walking in the streets,
I kept my eyes staring straight ahead,
Looking cool, self-assured and in control,
Seemingly oblivious to everything and everyone around me.
The perfect picture of nonchalence.
Yet deep inside so self-conscious and mindful of my every action, every word,
My mind buzzing with anxieties and the feeling of imminent failure,
Sometimes to the point of near-explosion.

On the mrt, in school, talking to friends,
Doing the mundane yet necessary things to integrate myself into society.
Trying to show my self-assuredness by refusing help,
Being rebellious, forcing my opinions on others,
Full of criticism and dismissing others for what they do, what they think.
Trying to make myself liked by cracking jokes and acting cool.
All of them pretentious acts that may blind others to the real me,
But fail utterly to convince myself.

At times, I despise this me that so desperately crave love,
This need to put up a circus act to earn social gratification.
Such a tragedy to have to put up a facade even in the presence of close friends.
Yet refusing to let down the guard,
Fearing that my friends would leave me one by one
When they finally know the real me.
Disgusted and tired, I retreat.
Shut up and simply listen to the conversation around me.
Tune out everything to find the real me.
Only to find the clarifying pang of loneliness.
In reality, making myself an exile by rejecting others.

Years of practice at arming myself has made me so adept at hiding that
The real me has become lost,
Buried beneath all the perceptions, misconceptions and deceptions.
Confused about the different versions of me,
Daring only to surface and peek out at the world in the dark.
To everyone else, darkness distorts.
Yet to me, darkness is where safety lies,
Where shadows provide the much needed shelter and hiding place.
And in the wee hours of the morning as I drift into sleep,
As the dreams take over,
I exist.

Blogado por moi às 12:37 PM ||

______________________________

whAt mY BiRtHDaTe meAnS____.

Your Birthdate: March 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December