Saturday, February 17, 2007
I know I haven't been updating my blog. and I apologise to the people who do check out my blog. Sorry guys, I was under the impression that no one would check my blog. lol.
Haven't been blogging because first of all, I seriously have no time. I guess I was too ambitious and tried to take up too many things. Alright, it may not seem a lot of things to some people, who I know do alot of things like volunteer, work part-time, teach tuition and on top of that still manage to spend time with their family and friends as well as excel in academics. But I am a slacker by nature and I am the type of person who needs personal time every now and then to just stone and do and think about basically nothing. So cramming everyday with things to do, rushing from one place to another in a single day, trying to do something about my schoolwork, my observations, look for a job (which was done for only for that one time) and still find enough time to spend quality time with my family is kinda taking a toll on me. Even after factoring out the fact that I have placed volunteering and hanging out with friends out of my priorities at the moment. I even started keeping an organiser, which is so not me. I never liked planning my days. Now I have to do that or I'll forget all the things that I have to do. I hate it. because it is yet another sign that I'm one more step further into the mainstream. After all the effort spent during JC life to get myself out of the mainstream.
Second, I didn't have the mood to blog. I have nothing to say. and don't want to say anything. because there is no point in saying. recently, friends have been asking me about my negative msn nicknames, telling me to be more positive, to stop using expletives. to tell the truth, i have been more positive this past year or so. seriously. and i see nothing wrong with using expletives. it's a good and efficient way of expressing what i feel. i can't go around telling people to fuck off. i used to think i can. and i used to do that alot. but not anymore. because of many reasons. because it will hurt the people i love even more. because i still need to work with such people. because we still see each other. because it is kinda against social conventions, we need to be polite to people even if we really dislike them. because it is an etiquette. because this is a world that can't seem to take honesty. because sometimes, they probably don't deserve such a strong reaction. because sometimes it's just the way i am. the egoistic. self-centred. biased. judgemental. vulgar. miss-i-think-i-know-it-all. me.
i miss the negative me sometimes. being negative helps put everything in perspective. sometimes, i wish i can go back to the old me. somehow it seems more like the real me. the present "me" is so hypocritical at times i abhor myself. but i can't and i shouldn't and i kinda prefer the present "me". because the old me was just too selfish. i am still selfish now. but at least i try to look at the big picture. even if i never ever succeed in making everyone happy, and satisfying everyone's demands. and i never can succeed in protecting the people i love. i wasn't ever there when things happen. and even if i were there, i couldn't have been able to do anything. which irritates the hell out of me. because i am supposed to do something. anything. it is the whole point of my existence.
and to people who showed their concern on msn, i am very sorry if you think i snapped at you. i just didn't feel like talking. because something happened which i couldn't do anything about and i was extremely angry. and i was stressed out with my work. had to rush my assignments and i was discussing work with someone whom i don't like, which by the way was a useless msn discussion because nothing came out of it. first, the person suggested a discussion face-to-face, which i immediately rejected because discussions with that person usually takes less than 15min, and i have to travel all the way to school to discuss things that could be done equally as efficiently online. and the person just came online and told me that there doesn't seem to be much to discuss which was not true but i was just too tired to disagree. and the person was rushing off to sleep. at 11pm. well isn't that great.
and as my friend w and me once concluded, when it comes to some problems, it is very hard to talk about them to another person. even if that person is a very close friend. because only people who have really experienced these problems truly understand the helplessness of the situation at times. and even so, it's not a full understanding. because problems and priorities differ. because everyone else has their own problems, whether trivial or important in other people's eyes, are extremely important in his or her own views. and rather than burdening friends with our own problems and getting irritated like hell because they don't seem to get it even though they are trying their darnest best, and spoiling the friendships that were already so hard to maintain in the first place, the best way is to just keep everything to ourselves.
oh yesh, apart from making a few more friends this semester, i've learnt new things about the world we live in.
1) good connections and networking do work wonders in this world. even in settings where you would never think it happens. i guess i was naive. i thought hard work and passion were the only things i needed.
2) it doesn't really seem to pay to be honest in an interview. though it may not be generalisable since i only managed to go to one. anyway the person asked me why i was looking for a job so early in the semester. and i stupidly told the interviewer that i needed money. which was true. i mean how else would i pay for my bills and help my parents, whom i think are working too hard. though i wouldn't normally say it. because i've always been proud to say that most every choice i make is made out of my own interest. whether it is due to cognitive dissonance is hard to tell. but at least i do enjoy the choices i make even though i do complain. if i didn't need money, would i even look for a job in the first place?!!! and of course, the person says, "so, it's about money". which i didn't contradict because it IS true. and even though i talked about how i am interested in the job and my shit passion after that is most likely of no shit use.
and one last thing, dedicated to my beloved sis. i don't know if you read my blog. i suspect you don't but i just want to say. i know i've been stressing you alot these few years. complaining to you about every single thing and selfishly ignoring the fact that you feel very stressed out and helpless being the in-between person. it's become a habit that i perversely look forward to. but i'll try to break it. i promise (although you would say that i would probably not gonna fulfill it). but i will try you know.
anyway, think this is a very long post. so yupz silence again hereafter.
Blogado por moi às 11:08 AM ||
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