I've been wanting to change for so long
My cowardice's getting to me
I'm such a scaredy cat
You'd think such a loser as I
Would have been dead a long time ago
BUT no..i'm still very much alive

How much alive?
Look at me and u'd noe
I'm more of a walking dead
Better off dead than alive

I talk BIG
I talk about wanting liberation and freedom
BUT do I have the nerve to play the game
When the time comes?

No one knows
What I do know is I dun have the balls
To play that is
Something is always pulling me back
I duno if there really is sth
Something like obligations and commitment
Or is it just an excuse to escape?
I look at myself in the mirror everyday
And all I see is a shell

I listen to what I say to others
And all I hear is hypocrisy
I try to remember all my actions
And all I can feel is my silliness
Who am I really?
Even I myself duno
I'm so lost and confused
There are so many 'mes'

I no longer noe
Which is the REAL me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm so selfish
I only think about 'me'
What about the others around me?
Dun they count?
I look in my heart and all I find is darkness
I look in my mind and I find emptiness
I look at myself and I find
A shitload of crap
My past is full of might-have-beens
My present is full of what the hell am i doing?
My future is dark in front of me
Seriously, I think my presence on earth
Is a BIG mistake
I fuck up everything and
I'm so GOOD at making ppl ard mi miserable
They'll prob find life easier
If I'm dead
I crave for death so much
You would think I'd commit suicide
BUT dun forget I'm a loser
I'm simply too damn scared to do it
In conclusion
I SUX...totally
____________

tHe DrEaMmEr____.
a hardcore bitch
a loser
a slacker
a dreamer
a failure
a contradictory person
a confused gal
a nobody who wanna b a somebody & a nobody at the same time
a fuck-up

WiSh LisT____.
everyone I care about (my family, cw, my friends)
to be healthy, safe & happy always
everyone I care about to outlive me
to die a horrible death

to fulfill my dreams:
a career as a police/forensic psychologist
a home(cottage/ranch) in UK/US
learn horse riding
learn how to shoot all kinda guns
learn lotsa foreign lang
learn skiing
go bungee jumping
learn hypnosis

LOveS____.
My family. cw
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Jay Chou. Luo Zhixiang.
Shakrukh Khan. Barry Manilow.
Dark Funeral.
Figo. Raul. Zidane. Deco. Van de sar.
K Bryant. M Jordan. A Iverson
Real Madrid. Man U.
Bleach. Fruits Baskets. Full Metal Alchemist.
Get Backers. Slam Dunk.
E Lit. Psych. Art.
Chocolates. Purple. Horses. Dogs.
Reading. Writing. Sketching. Music.
Night. Rain. Silence. Winter.
SimPliCitY.

MOvieS wAtcHed with dd____.
The Simpsons Movie. Knocked Up.
The Bourne Ultimatum.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Broken English. Secret. Stardust. Next.
The Nanny Diaries. I am Legend.
Sex is Zero. The Shutter.
Just my luck. Step up.

tHe fElLow DrEaMeRs____.
wl
wl
cousin hy
zt
ph
yy
ll
yt
hx
xf
jl
Dorothy
Janice
kellY
William
Clement
Clement
Joy
Melissa

Darren

Xiaozhu
Fahrenheit-Wu Chun

NJCO Alumni
nvac
Achievers Blog
Achievers Forum
NUS Psych Society
A
B
F
K
C
Val's Find My Top
Bags for sale
psychopathic

LiNkS____.
Nohari window
Results of Nohari Window

fRagmenTs Of LiFe____.
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
May 2013

Monday, April 09, 2007

The distant rumble of explosion faded away and the sounds of the battle dwindled to a few rattles of the rifles as some new soldiers fresh from the academy, fired away still filled with zest at the thought of glorifying their war records. Night had fallen around the battlefield and wrapped everything in its deceiving darkness. Everything in the battlefield somehow looked peaceful and normal at night as both sides of the enemy lines stopped the fighting and hunkered down to prepare themselves for the unbearably cold night in the desert. Such coldness rendered even the most hot-blooded soldiers unable to fight without shivering.

Lulled by the silence of the night, an outsider would never guess this had been a battlefield in the day. But the soldiers around for more than one tour knew the trickery such silence in the desert harboured. It signalled the end of one battle but also brought along with it the knowledge of an impending battle when dawn broke. Armed with the knowledge of yet another unpredictable day of fighting with fate and death made waiting in the heavy silence all the more overwhelming. While the fresh-faced young soldiers compared their killing records with pride and rejoiced at the end of yet another victory with death, the older weatherbeaten, battleworn soldiers gave silent thanks for being alive, that were at the same time laced with guilt at having survived while their comrades had not, and silently prayed for God's kindness on them the next day. Hardened by the constant grief of losing a comrade throughout the day, these soldiers no longer stared fixated at the slack-jawed face of their dead comrades next to them, with the open unseeing eyes so animated a second ago with a kill, yet now so dull and eerie.

The ultimate tragedy of war is that human beings, when dead, became a mere background display item on the battlefield scene, no longer able to evoke any feelings of sympathy, pity, or sadness. Everything else was overwhelmed by the all-powerful tangy taste of pure fear evident in the cold air. The fear of impending death. The fear of not knowing when would be the last sunrise one saw. Unlike cancer patients faced with similar fates, these soldiers had not the luxury of the time to prepare and ready themselves for their last journeys for death on the battlefield was unpredictable. Death could be instantaneous at best with a boom, or a slow unbearable fading away, with the loss of hope evident in the eyes of the army medics as they passed by with only a cursory glance since their main goal was to save the ones with the most potential to survive. In the battlefield, fear was no longer a cowardly thing to feel. It became the quintessential quality to survive. On the battlefield, only the cowards survived. The brave never lived to tell their stories.

As the east horizon began to brighten, stiff cold shivering fingers gripped the rifles with a painfully desperate grasp, as the rifles were the only armours protecting them from the cold unyielding fingers of Death. Chills broke out among these hardened soldiers who had seen many a days of battle, not from the cold air of the desert, but emanated from deep within their souls. Strangled cries struggled to break free from their throats as they desperately pleaded for the darkness to return but they knew it was to no avail deep down inside. Eyes previously filled with humane fear transformeded instantly into blank gazes as they automatically shifted into battle mode. The automaticity of killing would ensure them another safe escape from the eager hands of Death, they believed. Killing had become a means of survival. Not some hodgepodge yarn about some stupid cause, thought up by some asshole politicians back at home, who had never experiencedd such mindnumbing fear in the comfort of their living rooms. Killing would ensure a day lived and one day alive means one day closer to the day when they would be able to go home, thankfully alive.

Overhead, the crows cried out with rasping harsh sounds. The scavengers and the messengers of death.

-unedited as yet. wanted to write in the perspective of a single soldier to give it a personal touch but somehow it became a third-person perspective-

Blogado por moi às 12:11 PM ||

______________________________

whAt mY BiRtHDaTe meAnS____.

Your Birthdate: March 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December