I've been wanting to change for so long
My cowardice's getting to me
I'm such a scaredy cat
You'd think such a loser as I
Would have been dead a long time ago
BUT no..i'm still very much alive

How much alive?
Look at me and u'd noe
I'm more of a walking dead
Better off dead than alive

I talk BIG
I talk about wanting liberation and freedom
BUT do I have the nerve to play the game
When the time comes?

No one knows
What I do know is I dun have the balls
To play that is
Something is always pulling me back
I duno if there really is sth
Something like obligations and commitment
Or is it just an excuse to escape?
I look at myself in the mirror everyday
And all I see is a shell

I listen to what I say to others
And all I hear is hypocrisy
I try to remember all my actions
And all I can feel is my silliness
Who am I really?
Even I myself duno
I'm so lost and confused
There are so many 'mes'

I no longer noe
Which is the REAL me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm so selfish
I only think about 'me'
What about the others around me?
Dun they count?
I look in my heart and all I find is darkness
I look in my mind and I find emptiness
I look at myself and I find
A shitload of crap
My past is full of might-have-beens
My present is full of what the hell am i doing?
My future is dark in front of me
Seriously, I think my presence on earth
Is a BIG mistake
I fuck up everything and
I'm so GOOD at making ppl ard mi miserable
They'll prob find life easier
If I'm dead
I crave for death so much
You would think I'd commit suicide
BUT dun forget I'm a loser
I'm simply too damn scared to do it
In conclusion
I SUX...totally
____________

tHe DrEaMmEr____.
a hardcore bitch
a loser
a slacker
a dreamer
a failure
a contradictory person
a confused gal
a nobody who wanna b a somebody & a nobody at the same time
a fuck-up

WiSh LisT____.
everyone I care about (my family, cw, my friends)
to be healthy, safe & happy always
everyone I care about to outlive me
to die a horrible death

to fulfill my dreams:
a career as a police/forensic psychologist
a home(cottage/ranch) in UK/US
learn horse riding
learn how to shoot all kinda guns
learn lotsa foreign lang
learn skiing
go bungee jumping
learn hypnosis

LOveS____.
My family. cw
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Jay Chou. Luo Zhixiang.
Shakrukh Khan. Barry Manilow.
Dark Funeral.
Figo. Raul. Zidane. Deco. Van de sar.
K Bryant. M Jordan. A Iverson
Real Madrid. Man U.
Bleach. Fruits Baskets. Full Metal Alchemist.
Get Backers. Slam Dunk.
E Lit. Psych. Art.
Chocolates. Purple. Horses. Dogs.
Reading. Writing. Sketching. Music.
Night. Rain. Silence. Winter.
SimPliCitY.

MOvieS wAtcHed with dd____.
The Simpsons Movie. Knocked Up.
The Bourne Ultimatum.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Broken English. Secret. Stardust. Next.
The Nanny Diaries. I am Legend.
Sex is Zero. The Shutter.
Just my luck. Step up.

tHe fElLow DrEaMeRs____.
wl
wl
cousin hy
zt
ph
yy
ll
yt
hx
xf
jl
Dorothy
Janice
kellY
William
Clement
Clement
Joy
Melissa

Darren

Xiaozhu
Fahrenheit-Wu Chun

NJCO Alumni
nvac
Achievers Blog
Achievers Forum
NUS Psych Society
A
B
F
K
C
Val's Find My Top
Bags for sale
psychopathic

LiNkS____.
Nohari window
Results of Nohari Window

fRagmenTs Of LiFe____.
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
May 2013

Thursday, June 14, 2007

just to straighten out some of my thoughts.

I went to volunteer last saturday and had my palm read. it was my very first time having my palm read and well, i probably shouldn't make much of the palm fortune. at first, i thought it rather cool and fun. but well, somehow i think it affected me. it borders on religion and some of the issues that I have been thinking about lately and somehow, i can't understand how the person reading my palm could know these issues. i mean i know how people who tell fortunes are often experts in reading body languages, and catching nuances and clues from verbal responses. but well somehow, if it wasn't real, it seems too much of a coincidence.

then hung out with the volunteer gang again. somehow, i feel a warm fuzzy feeling when i go out with them. like being part of a big family. it's nice. and i hope it won't get worn out. and that it would last. not follow the course of most of my friendships.

church with jw kor on sun. felt so paiseh for not going the other time when he asked me. my first time going to a church service and i guess it's eye-opening definitely. learnt some stuff but no worries, i won't become a christian. i prefer to be open-minded about such stuff. believe in everything. accept everything. because you never know when you need such faith. and even if there can never be proof of the existence, belief is a very strong thing. i guess i've changed. i'm not the atheist i used to be.

ktv with E & gang after that. think it was my third time going ktv? last time was with kl & gang. then st & ntu classmates. felt so paiseh for not singing so think it became abit awkward for them. but i really can't sing. at least with a microphone. but it was fun. though something happened. and i totally switched off. so sorry for spoiling their fun. anyway it was so bad that walking can't even ease off the thoughts. guess i need to find another way. soon.

work's not bad. telemarketing's not as scary as it seems. i've learnt some stuff, gotten better at phone conversations, made a new friend, ti, and my supervisor, kei's nice. considering how i used to hate talking to strangers on the phone, it's a good experience. and it's nice to know people who are not currently in universities sometimes because we end up talking about things other than schoolwork. somehow when i'm with people i know from uni, especially those psych majors, everything just revolves around school.

learnt reiki from ph the other day. cool. talked about the pace of life too and the topic kinda stuck with me. in jc, i used to be able to stone anytime, anywhere. i miss my busstops all the time, stone from day till night at busstops and let the world pass by me. i can still stone anytime and anywhere i guess. but such luxury has decreased. because i realise that there are sometimes more urgent and important things in life to be done. things that are close to my heart. things that i should put before everything else. even my life.

yups well. except for the fact that i'm perpetually tired these days and am unable to do any resumes or do other stuff except sleep, which means that i don't have time for my family. all of which points to the fact that i sux BIG time. i guess i'm still alive and kicking.

i've also decided that my life will never be ruled by money. not now. not ever. i will work for money. because i need money to take care of my family. but i will not shape my life around the idea of money.

i have decided that i will not be affected by other fellow graduates around me. be it their results, their successful job search, rejections of job offers, and their going on to masters. whatever. it doesn't concern me. i should be contented. at this moment.

and i should stop thinking so much.

Blogado por moi às 8:38 PM ||

______________________________

whAt mY BiRtHDaTe meAnS____.

Your Birthdate: March 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December