I've been wanting to change for so long
My cowardice's getting to me
I'm such a scaredy cat
You'd think such a loser as I
Would have been dead a long time ago
BUT no..i'm still very much alive

How much alive?
Look at me and u'd noe
I'm more of a walking dead
Better off dead than alive

I talk BIG
I talk about wanting liberation and freedom
BUT do I have the nerve to play the game
When the time comes?

No one knows
What I do know is I dun have the balls
To play that is
Something is always pulling me back
I duno if there really is sth
Something like obligations and commitment
Or is it just an excuse to escape?
I look at myself in the mirror everyday
And all I see is a shell

I listen to what I say to others
And all I hear is hypocrisy
I try to remember all my actions
And all I can feel is my silliness
Who am I really?
Even I myself duno
I'm so lost and confused
There are so many 'mes'

I no longer noe
Which is the REAL me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm so selfish
I only think about 'me'
What about the others around me?
Dun they count?
I look in my heart and all I find is darkness
I look in my mind and I find emptiness
I look at myself and I find
A shitload of crap
My past is full of might-have-beens
My present is full of what the hell am i doing?
My future is dark in front of me
Seriously, I think my presence on earth
Is a BIG mistake
I fuck up everything and
I'm so GOOD at making ppl ard mi miserable
They'll prob find life easier
If I'm dead
I crave for death so much
You would think I'd commit suicide
BUT dun forget I'm a loser
I'm simply too damn scared to do it
In conclusion
I SUX...totally
____________


tHe DrEaMmEr____.
 a hardcore bitch
a loser
a slacker
a dreamer
a failure
a contradictory person
a confused gal
a nobody who wanna b a somebody & a nobody at the same time
a fuck-up


WiSh LisT____.
 everyone I care about (my family, cw, my friends)
to be healthy, safe & happy always
everyone I care about to outlive me
to die a horrible death

to fulfill my dreams:
a career as a police/forensic psychologist
a home(cottage/ranch) in UK/US
learn horse riding
learn how to shoot all kinda guns
learn lotsa foreign lang
learn skiing
go bungee jumping
learn hypnosis


LOveS____.
 My family. cw
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Jay Chou. Luo Zhixiang.
Shakrukh Khan. Barry Manilow.
Dark Funeral.
Figo. Raul. Zidane. Deco. Van de sar.
K Bryant. M Jordan. A Iverson
Real Madrid. Man U.
Bleach. Fruits Baskets. Full Metal Alchemist.
Get Backers. Slam Dunk.
E Lit. Psych. Art.
Chocolates. Purple. Horses. Dogs.
Reading. Writing. Sketching. Music.
Night. Rain. Silence. Winter.
SimPliCitY.


MOvieS wAtcHed with dd____.
 The Simpsons Movie. Knocked Up.
The Bourne Ultimatum.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Broken English. Secret. Stardust. Next.
The Nanny Diaries. I am Legend.
Sex is Zero. The Shutter.
Just my luck. Step up.


tHe fElLow DrEaMeRs____.
 wl
wl
cousin hy
zt
ph
yy
ll
yt
hx
xf
jl
Dorothy
Janice
kellY
William
Clement
Clement
Joy
Melissa

Darren

Xiaozhu
Fahrenheit-Wu Chun

NJCO Alumni
nvac
Achievers Blog
Achievers Forum
NUS Psych Society
A
B
F
K
C
Val's Find My Top
Bags for sale
psychopathic


LiNkS____.
 Nohari window
Results of Nohari Window


fRagmenTs Of LiFe____.
 July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
May 2013



Sunday, July 01, 2007

totally buanged my driving lesson the other day. was almost sleeping-stoning while driving. mind was a total blank. tink my instructor didn't scold me cos he was damn nice and most likely too tired. haiz abit demoralised. think i tried to do too much stuff in one single day. i get tired too easily these days. i have no idea why. maybe i really need a break. it's been a long time since i last sketched. or watched the stars. or watched sunrise/sunset. or listened to the waves.

didn't get to play the swings tonite. because there was a group of teenagers there. haiz.

recently been feeling down so often i'm starting to get irritated with myself. what's fucking wrong with me? i thought i've solved this problem long ago. arghs. guess i didn't.

i really need to make more of an effort. at this rate, i'm going to lose friends. it's very difficult for me to make friends. i should treasure them more. and stop being so anti-social and weird. i must do it. as E said. i really need to do something.

had a great time volunteering today. had my ... read again. damn is he accurate. how the hell does he know? it's alittle intimidating.

the other day i was waiting for the train. was stoning. and suddenly have this urge to ... ....it didn't even scare me. the numbness is scary.

i just miss that crazy me.

Blogado por moi às 1:37 AM ||

Comments:
numbness is an overwhelming feeling...way surpassing any other kinds of feelings...hollowness, denial or confusion...

numbness is defeat...like a warrior who lost his will to fight...fight to keep himself alive...lost without a graceful battle...

numbness is blind acceptance...acceptance without thought...acceptance of all the "so-called"...

numbness brings along...endless sufferings and despair...one may be deluded to believe that being numb is good...but after numbness...pain is even greater...

be ruthless and relentless...murder yourself...murder ur past...murder all the sadness and sorrow...murder your denial self...murder..murder all...then live again...

I guess you will understand...
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 10:31 PM
 
yups i agree.

numbness can be so overwhelming.. so all-encompassing. and if you reach the extreme, it's probably the state in which people intending to commit suicide must feel. the pain and the amount of despair and hopelessness.

it's hard to get rid of the numbness though because it can be so deluding. so falsely comforting. like a cocoon. shielding us from what we don't want to face just yet.

and sometimes i think numbness can be useful. because it acts as a buffer. it's deluding, yesh. but sometimes while deluding ourself, our heart heals. with time. and after we feel strong enough to leave the cocoon, hopefully we can be able to lock everything in that secret compartment in our heart. as a memory. as a lesson learned.

murdering our past, sadness or sorrow may be comforting. but it's murdering a part of ourselves. our experiences. can we really be happy without these memories? can we really be happy without our past? can we really be happy without pain? can we really forget anything?

another crap reply i guess.

but your comment is really chim and enlightening. ;p
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 11:33 PM
 
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______________________________

whAt mY BiRtHDaTe meAnS____.
Your Birthdate: March 12
You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December
What Does Your Birth Date Mean?


mY TeMpERaMEnt ____.
You Have a Melancholic Temperament
Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?


tHe kEY to My HeARt ____.
The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is high. You can't resist desire and lust. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?


You are Agnostic
You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care. For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine. You rather focus on what you can control - your own life. And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

hOW dARk iS yOUR sOUl____.
 HASH(0x8b67248)
How dark is your soul? (Great pics)
brought to you by Quizilla DARK - You are evil, your soul shows no light, u hate large crowds and loads of friends. You cannot resist the urge to cause pain.


You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

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