I've been wanting to change for so long
My cowardice's getting to me
I'm such a scaredy cat
You'd think such a loser as I
Would have been dead a long time ago
BUT no..i'm still very much alive

How much alive?
Look at me and u'd noe
I'm more of a walking dead
Better off dead than alive

I talk BIG
I talk about wanting liberation and freedom
BUT do I have the nerve to play the game
When the time comes?

No one knows
What I do know is I dun have the balls
To play that is
Something is always pulling me back
I duno if there really is sth
Something like obligations and commitment
Or is it just an excuse to escape?
I look at myself in the mirror everyday
And all I see is a shell

I listen to what I say to others
And all I hear is hypocrisy
I try to remember all my actions
And all I can feel is my silliness
Who am I really?
Even I myself duno
I'm so lost and confused
There are so many 'mes'

I no longer noe
Which is the REAL me anymore

Sometimes I think I'm so selfish
I only think about 'me'
What about the others around me?
Dun they count?
I look in my heart and all I find is darkness
I look in my mind and I find emptiness
I look at myself and I find
A shitload of crap
My past is full of might-have-beens
My present is full of what the hell am i doing?
My future is dark in front of me
Seriously, I think my presence on earth
Is a BIG mistake
I fuck up everything and
I'm so GOOD at making ppl ard mi miserable
They'll prob find life easier
If I'm dead
I crave for death so much
You would think I'd commit suicide
BUT dun forget I'm a loser
I'm simply too damn scared to do it
In conclusion
I SUX...totally
____________

tHe DrEaMmEr____.
a hardcore bitch
a loser
a slacker
a dreamer
a failure
a contradictory person
a confused gal
a nobody who wanna b a somebody & a nobody at the same time
a fuck-up

WiSh LisT____.
everyone I care about (my family, cw, my friends)
to be healthy, safe & happy always
everyone I care about to outlive me
to die a horrible death

to fulfill my dreams:
a career as a police/forensic psychologist
a home(cottage/ranch) in UK/US
learn horse riding
learn how to shoot all kinda guns
learn lotsa foreign lang
learn skiing
go bungee jumping
learn hypnosis

LOveS____.
My family. cw
Takeshi Kaneshiro. Jay Chou. Luo Zhixiang.
Shakrukh Khan. Barry Manilow.
Dark Funeral.
Figo. Raul. Zidane. Deco. Van de sar.
K Bryant. M Jordan. A Iverson
Real Madrid. Man U.
Bleach. Fruits Baskets. Full Metal Alchemist.
Get Backers. Slam Dunk.
E Lit. Psych. Art.
Chocolates. Purple. Horses. Dogs.
Reading. Writing. Sketching. Music.
Night. Rain. Silence. Winter.
SimPliCitY.

MOvieS wAtcHed with dd____.
The Simpsons Movie. Knocked Up.
The Bourne Ultimatum.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Broken English. Secret. Stardust. Next.
The Nanny Diaries. I am Legend.
Sex is Zero. The Shutter.
Just my luck. Step up.

tHe fElLow DrEaMeRs____.
wl
wl
cousin hy
zt
ph
yy
ll
yt
hx
xf
jl
Dorothy
Janice
kellY
William
Clement
Clement
Joy
Melissa

Darren

Xiaozhu
Fahrenheit-Wu Chun

NJCO Alumni
nvac
Achievers Blog
Achievers Forum
NUS Psych Society
A
B
F
K
C
Val's Find My Top
Bags for sale
psychopathic

LiNkS____.
Nohari window
Results of Nohari Window

fRagmenTs Of LiFe____.
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
November 2008
December 2008
May 2013

Thursday, September 06, 2007

while i was walking home today, i walked into the middle of a heated quarrel with the potential to turn into an impending fist fight between a youngster and an adult male. i have no idea what the quarrel was about because by the time i was walking towards them, they were already raring to fight. or rather the youngster was. if not for his friend, who was attempting to hold onto him and prevent him from jumping on the adult male. his friend was shouting at the adult male, telling him to go away and think about his family's safety, if not his own. on the other hand, the adult male was somehow in a dilemma, one moment walking and swearing at the same time, the other moment simply standing still and staring at the youngster while shouting at his family to go home.

such drama. and i walked right into the middle of it. and went past them. without even staring at them, which almost everyone on the streets were doing. onlookers, that's who all these people are. curious bystanders, there to watch the fun, yet seldom there to help. such is the pathetic state of singaporeans. me? i can't really be bothered. though i did consider calling the police for a moment.

why, you may ask me. the reason being, i can't stand the adult male. even a youngster knows that with your family around, you are no longer alone. you have a responsibility to ensure the safety of your family. regardless of whether it was the other party's or his or his family's fault, isn't the wisest and safest thing to do is to get himself and his family home asap? i mean what is he doing, staring at the youngster, who's gonna beat him up any minute? male pride? dignity? to show that he's macho? he's a guy? because to walk away from a fight is cowardice? what is more important than your family's safety? sometimes to be able to walk away from a fight takes alot more courage, and determination than fighting, duncha think?

sometimes, more and more recently, i no longer understand the actions and thoughts of adults. it is not a simple matter of disagreement. it's a matter of "HUH? what is this?!". total incomprehension. it makes me more and more afraid of being an adult. afraid that one day, i'll turn into them.

since i have no idea when, i've decided to live my own life the way i want it to be. to not be influenced or rather dictated by anyone. to avoid becoming like just another .... to avoid becoming like ... it's not entirely possible in real life, i know. because of commitments. responsibilities. chinese traditional values and customs. practicality. love and care for the people around me. fear of hurting people i care about. societal views. even then, i make sure my opinions are expressed. i refuse to be stifled. although more and more so, i feel that i'm just following the flow. tagging behind the crowd. instead of walking my own path. i've mellowed. being less opinionated isn't that bad. because now i start to be able to be a teeny weeny bit more sensitve to people around me. it's just that sometimes, not often. but once in a while, when i'm tired, i miss the old self-opinionated bitchy me.

walking away from a fight makes me think about the other day with the nvac gang when da says that i'll probably walk away if we quarrel. i've never really thought about it. but yesh, recently this has been my way of dealing with quarrels. i just walk away. i'm just too tired. i can no longer be bothered. or rather, i'm scared. of making the already fragile relationship worse than it already is. because everytime there is a quarrel, it puts back much effort that had been put into breaching that same gap. so yups, i guess everyone else does know me better than i do myself.

e asked if i'm still keen to lead a wandering life. seriously, i think i still am. i'll always be a wanderer, i guess. in my heart. but it's merely a dream. a pipe dream rather. something that i know i really want. but will probably never do. because .... i don't know. it's just a feeling.

recently i'm so freaking honest. towards others. towards myself. i've started to open myself up more and more with the nvac gang. especially cw. i used to be so clammed up except perhaps with zt and w. and a clown with yting. i stun myself. i'm so honest. sometimes i'm scared. i'm doing what i want. be honest to everyone as much as i can. but...sometimes...well i guess i just feel vulnerable.

i'm still wandering. still searching for myself. but somehow feeling abit more anchored. more secure and safe. because there's him. thanks.

Blogado por moi às 9:23 PM ||

______________________________

whAt mY BiRtHDaTe meAnS____.

Your Birthdate: March 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame. You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them. Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing. You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December